Sandra Bullock sits blindfolded in a boat on dark and misty waters, in that Bird Box show everyone was talking about years ago.

This is going to be the weirdest Scottish election ever for me lol.

Haven’t properly watched #TheBastardNews since 2012. Gave up Twitter in 2024. Muted every word remotely connected to fascism (including the party who were recently polling 2nd up here). Don’t even know if the campaign’s started?

St. Johnstone manager Callum Davidson looks bereft, even though his team have just scored.

Just to emphasise why I keep banging on about getting #TheBastardNews turned off in public places:

Last April I was on holiday in England, and I had to walk past a bar blaring out Sky News droning on about the Nazi pedo’s “tariffs”.

Reader - this bar was literally in: BLACKPOOL. “PLEASURE”. BEACH.

A newsreader in The Simpsons imagines utopia, with people of every race, colour and creed linking arms together in front of a rainbow and smiling Sun.

If I’m in the car I switch over the second #TheBastardNews jingle plays: have done for over a decade now.

The good thing about 6 Music is that they usually just go on the 1/2hr, and every other station is on the hour, so you can alternate. But best is Celtic Music Radio, which has… no news.

Just to sum up how good I’ve got at avoiding #TheBastardNews:

Mhairi Black is an ex-politician from the party I’m a member of (one of the best of my lifetime). She’s on The Weakest Link, and I think it’s the first time I’ve ever heard her name verbally. 🤯 Still wasn’t sure if it was a V or M sound.

a man in a black jacket with a star on the back stands in a crowd of people Alt: Ralf Hassenhuttl wildly celebrates a Southampton goal, before seeing that it’s been ruled out for offside and retreating with his arms down.

Caught another bit of STV Radio on Day Three, and at 6pm they did #TheBastardNews after all. We had a good run. 🙃

Simon Cowell gives a thumbs up at an awards ceremony. His mouth and face look really weird because of all the plastic surgery.

Caught a few minutes of Day One of that new #STVRadio thing. It was the top of the hour but they didn’t go to #TheBastardNews, just some weather. Thumbs up from me so far!

a baby is standing on a wooden floor in a room . Alt: A baby runs into a room, but promptly goes “ooh!” and turns back to run back out again.

Me preparing to lower my Sertraline back to 50mg (or even 0mg?), then waking up and reading #TheBastardNews.

Dale Winton cheers as he shouts, “BRING ON THE WALL!!!”

You do kinda need to take *any* win atm, and since I’ve muted over 100 words and completely bodyswerve #TheBastardNews I wonder if I miss some of the good news.

But the Welsh by-election, Irish presidential landslide and Scottish polling is all good news. Not everything is caving in: far from it! 🤞

Can someone who still watches #TheBastardNews explain to me why Corbyn & Sultana didn’t just join the Greens?

Is it a time-honoured inexplicable left-wing factional thing? Is it just ‘This town ain’t big enough for the both of us?’ If they’re still going in 2029 they’ll just split the vote anyway.

Simon Cowell smiling with his thumb up at an awards ceremony. His face looks a bit odd after all the, erm, “work” that’s been done.

Back in the Glasgow office (as joyful as it ever was). Once again someone had switched off #TheBastardNews by lunchtime in the canteen.

Just went back in for water and someone’s put it back on, but changed the channel to Wimbledon. This Is How We Win.

Giorgio Chiellini listening to the Italian national anthem getting booed by drunken England fans at the Euro 2020 Final, and just basking in the moment with his eyes closed and a calm face.

In the office today (horrific). But somewhere between 10am and lunchtime, some unknown hero finally switched off #TheBastardNews, so I can actually have lunch in the canteen as god intended.

Quote: “‘I WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT.’ - KYLIAN MBAPPE ON PLAYING FOR PSG IN 2020-21” Underneath this is a picture of Mbappe smiling.

Turns out there’s a BBC channel (Freeview 601) called Red Button, which plays unused atmospheric footage from Springwatch, hours of uninterrupted sport and some Live Lounge bits.

Sorry, why is this not their main channel? Any time I go to BBC One it’s either two men cooking or #TheBastardNews?

Reply to Football Cliches from Leomposs, which was originally muted for me. I have no earthly idea why, since there are no words connected to fascism / the climate crisis / the rapist President / the ketamine billionaire etc.: “2 things. Shout out to the ref for blowing on 90 mins. I used to do that reffing U14s when a team was losing 20-0. Also, can we talking about the unbearable wait for Enrique to put that T-shirt on? I was slowly losing my mind every time someone came to dance with him.”

Have now muted so many words to avoid #TheBastardNews that tweets are being muted and I don’t even know why.

(Have I muted “unbearable”? Honestly no idea here Jeff. But also can’t look through my mute list, cause that depresses me too lol. We go on.)

Nope: seems to be “Richard Osman’s House Of Cards”. 😬

I’m sure it was on recently though. Think it’s been in the teatime Neighbours slot a bit. I leave it on Challenge as a default now cause it never has #TheBastardNews.

Well between all the birthday stuff and #TheBastardNews, that was definitely a day that just happened. 😵‍💫

Well going to the Edinburgh office was fun (can never quite explain why), but then I accidentally saw #TheBastardNews on this app so it’s been a bit of a pigsty of a day since then.

I am once again pretending to be an Arsenal fan for a pick-me-up. 🤞

Roy Keane looking apoplectic at something on Monday Night Football.

I’ve tweeted a few times about the obscenity of my office playing #TheBastardNews on a massive screen all day for no reason, as if that’ll help us work better.

I raise you one: the Premier Inn played it at breakfast this morning. On holiday. For families, on holiday. During their actual holidays.

The view out the Citylink bus window on the way to my last Munro climb in October. One of the Three Sisters of Glencoe is on the left.

The view from the slopes of Sgorr nam Fionnaidh down towards Loch Leven.

Looking across from the Munro Top of Stob Coire Leith to the terrifying Aonach Eagach ridge that towers over Glencoe. I didn’t cross this, because lol.

An incredible sunset over Loch Leven and Ardgour, just before the bus back to Glasgow arrived.

So all I can do is cocoon myself in a bubble with 89,000 muted words, dormant “X”/Facebook accounts & a strict boycott policy for #TheBastardNews.

And the Munros. 81 down, 201 to go. It’s meaningless to everyone else (would be weird if anyone cared about it tbf), but it means more than ever to me.

Any reason why Sky News are suddenly festooning every channel with ads?

Like, everyone knows they exist: if I really wanted to punish myself & watch #TheBastardNews I’d just do it. You don’t need to interrupt ‘Bruce’s Price Is Right’ with paid clips of Rachel Reeves threatening to starve everyone.

Yeh yeh this match has been dugmeat. But important to remember that, every time an #FACup tie goes to penalties and delays / cancels #TheBastardNews, a dead puppy comes back to life.

Aryna Sabalenka sitting with a towel over her head after losing the Australian Open final.

Me logging into Bluesky to chat about football and memes, while trying to dodge #TheBastardNews with my 89,000 muted words.

Somebody on the TV show Dragon’s Den pitching an idea for a new invention to the “Dragons” (why on Earth were they called Dragons?)

An app that just autoplays Super Scoreboard at 6:03pm, so you don’t have to keep pressing Pause / Play / Pause / Play to see if #TheBastardNews is finished.

Every single indoor workplace in the UK (from offices to shawarma takeaways) is now legally obliged to have a widescreen TV on the wall showing BBC / Sky News on an infinite loop, for erm some reason? 🤷 #TheBastardNews

A live #FACup tie going to penalties, swallowing up an entire night of ITV and leading to the cancellation of #TheBastardNews? Eh, yes please, can you do this every night actually? #EXENFO

a man in a blue jacket is carrying a large black box with makeagif.com written on it Alt: Three guys throw a TV into an abandoned quarry.

Always nice to get home from the school walk and find that “Alexa” has switched on #TheBastardNews for no reason. Or has my cat learnt to say “Alexa”?

Apologies for football-spamming everyone the last two nights, but:

a) There were *36* European games - a world first in Europe (if not the world);
b) I don’t go hillwalks in January, which is 589 days long; and
c) My Bluesky rule is to do everything in my power not to tweet about #TheBastardNews.

a man in a brown jacket and tie says phew and good news Alt: A man in a brown jacket and tie says “phew” and “good news”.

Went into a Chinese takeaway for dinner, and they had #TheBastardNews on in the corner, but it segued to the sports headlines & weather juuuuuust as I got there.

Cruel and sadistic of the BBC to put the news on at 10pm so Sportscene doesn’t finish until 1:10am. Clearly they should take heed of my extensive plans to simply abolish the news, and never bring it back. #TheBastardNews

If somebody can rebuild this app for any station, but to block the hourly news, I will pay you in cash instantly. #TheBastardNews

Alan Partridge leaping across the room to close a drawer.

“And now on BBC One, it’s time for the BBC News with…” LOOOOOOOOL NO FKN WAY. #TheBastardNews