My father claimed he was a psychic, but he didn’t like tea leaves—'too frilly.' Didn’t do palm reading—'too touchy feely.' So he started reading car dipsticks. My daddy was a Dipstick Psychic."
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The King felt something in his earlobe and panicked—“I have earlobe cancer!” He summoned a team of doctors. One checked and said, “Your Highness, your right earlobe feels exactly like your left.” The King gasped—“I HAVE DOUBLE EARLOBE CANCER!”
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I met a man who claimed he invented pulp and sold the patent to the Orange Juice people."
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Which is so relatable, really: The gifts we have that we use to help others? Often, it’s so much harder to see how to give that same gift to ourselves.
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The central problem of Rapunzel? She couldn’t climb down her own hair.
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Some folks get a rough start in life, and that ain’t their fault! Think about Rapunzel—before she was born, she was valued at the price of salad greens, locked in a tower, and banished to the woods while pregnant with twins. Not one of those things was her fault!"
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I’m often accused of telling stories that aren’t true. That’s not accurate. Many of my stories may not be factual… but they are true.
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Uncle False said “I’m just a little bit stitious… but Randy? He’s super stitious.”
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Uncle False on how entertaining his neighbors are: "Why buy a TV? I don’t need another flat square entertainment object when I already got this window!"
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My Uncle False has a toilet in his living room because that’s the only chair he’s ever been comfortable reading on.
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Will wore goggles when he’d drive because his car had no windshield but DID have windshield wipers.
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He said "My name's 2-Tooth Tony." I said "Can I just call you Tony?" He said "Nah, that's some other guy."
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Cracked Windshield in a Hail Storm.
The crack is already growing.
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Back when owls weren’t such limited conversationalists.
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Back when LIEbraries and TRUTHbraries were in the same building…
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I once saw a shift change at a human statue. A guy climbed down off a concrete block in the park as the other guy climbed up. I asked him why. He said, 'This town can’t afford a sculptor or bronze. And people need jobs, man… people need jobs.
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Sometimes you’re up – sometimes you’re down Most times you’re in between the two. And the clock keeps ticking – now, now, now. But the future stays ahead of you.
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I once asked Ain’t True if there was anything to do after dark in her neighborhood. She said, "Well… I reckon you could walk around and see how many neighbors have motion-sensor lights?" There were 4.
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If SAW is past tense, and SEE is present tense - then a SEE-SAW just might be a crude time machine.
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Eddie was a peacemaker. His brown slacks and striped blue shirt didn’t agree at all, but he made ‘em hang out together anyway.
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The 1899 Stayment believed 1899 years was enough already. They held calendar burnings, watch roasts, and booed at clock towers every hour on the hour.
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"What do we want? NOW! When do we want it? [shrug]" – The 1899 Stayment, a peaceful protest group that went on strike against the passing of time.
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When Will Perjure lost his left hand, he was 7. Nothing traumatic happened—he just set his left hand down somewhere and walked away. Seven-year-olds lose things.
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It was called 'Diner Hotel' because 30 years ago, the sign company put the words on backward. But this was the kind of town where people adapt better than they complain."
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Her dog-walking business included two treadmills. She’d tie off the leash, press start, and go watch TV.
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She poured her favorite soup into her favorite bowl - that was cracked. And there was a bandaid over the crack.
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My Uncle False can’t cry for some medical reason so whenever he gets upset he sneezes, ‘cause sadness is always gonna find a way of escaping into the world.
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He spoke in PreAnswers. Never really bothered to wait for your questions.
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My father claimed he was a psychic, but he didn’t like tea leaves—'too frilly.' Didn’t do palm reading—'too touchy feely.' So he started reading car dipsticks. My daddy was a Dipstick Psychic."
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My Uncle False said, “Just because a shoe fits doesn’t mean you should wear it; folks get mad when you steal their shoes!”
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