Don't be the reason I finally get my own episode of Snapped. #seenonateeshirt
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#seenonateeshirt
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I've got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made-up scenarios in my head that are stressing me out for no logical reason. #seenonateeshirt
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Right now, Chocolate is good for you and Romaine lettuce can kill you. I've waited for this moment all my life. #seenonateeshirt
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Forcing yourself to smile when you are in a lousy mood can turn that mood around. #seenonateeshirt
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Home is any place you don;t have to wear pants. #seenonateeshirt
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A woman wearing a dress with pockets never fails to mention those pockets when you compliment her dress. #seenonateeshirt
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With the increase in self-driving vehicles, there will soon be a country song abuot how your truck left you, too. #seenonateeshirt
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A new study links drinking coffee to a longer lifespan. Awesome. I'm going to be immortal #seenonateeshirt
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Keep Talking: I'm diagnosing you. #seenonateeshirt
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WALMART: You go in for cookies and pudding and come out questioning the fate of the human race. #seenonateeshirt
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The sun is alone, too, but it still shines. #seenonateeshirt
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It's the start of a brand new day and I'm off like a herd of turtles. #seenonateeshirt
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Call me old-fashioned, but i believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle. #seenonateeshirt
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CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. #seenonateeshirt
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Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me. #seenonateeshirt
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I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is. #seenonateeshirt
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I meant to behave but there were too many other options. #seenonateeshirt
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A yawn is a silent scream for coffee. #seenonateeshirt
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I went grocery shopping on a empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle six. #seenonateeshirt
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If you can't think of a word, say 'I forgot the English word for it.' That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot #seenonateeshirt
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Nothing screws up your Friday like realizing it's only Tuesday. #seenonateeshirt
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In my next life I'm coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality crap. #seenonateeshirt
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If the human population held hands around the equator, a significant portion of them would drown #seenonateeshirt
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So there is an Amazon River now? What next? Lake Facebook? Mount BlueSky? #seenonateeshirt
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OPERATION POTHOLE: Legalize cannabis and use the taxes to repair roads and highways. #seenonateeshirt
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If only my teeth were as white as my legs. #seenonateeshirt
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WARNING: I may be full of malarkey. #seenonateeshirt
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Just because some people are fueled by drama, doesn't mean you have to attend the performance. #seenonateeshirt
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Herbal tea tastes so much better when it's coffee. #seenonateeshirt
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwre lid cause nobody would ever be able to find it. #seenonateeshirt
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