I failed to retain my title at the World Agoraphobic Championships. I went out in the first round.

I once dated a bearded lady from the Ku Klux Klan. She was a freak in the sheets.

I ran out of space when I wrote down my incidences of heavy bed-wetting, so I kept going on another sheet.
#LunchPun

Last Valentine’s Day, I cooked a lovely meal before setting up a romantic home-cinema with flowers and candles etc for my fiancée, and we watched Usain Bolt running his 100 metres world record of 9.58 seconds. I know how to show a girl a good time.

My colleagues in the underwear section of this clothes store don’t like me much, due to my constant use of innuendo, but I’m pretty big in the trouser department.

My colleagues in the underwear section of this clothes store don’t like me much, due to my constant use of innuendo, but I’m pretty big in the trouser department.

When Barry Met Sally
#JohnsInMoviesOrSongs

When I met my first girlfriend, Lacey Veil, I thought “She sounds like marriage material.”

A lack of health and safety measures last Christmas saw accidents involving Santa Claus going through the roof.

I’m reading a great book called ‘Ballpark Figures’ by Maura Less
#LunchPun

BREAKING: Roger Daltrey starts fight with ‘Lord of the Rings’ author, ruining writer’s speech on sloe berry spirits.
Tolkien bout marred gin oration.

BREAKING: Roger Daltrey starts fight with ‘Lord of the Rings’ author, ruining writer’s speech on sloe berry spirits.
Tolkien bout marred gin oration.

My dog never does his business in the garden if it's raining, in case it damages his laptop.

I've just completed my one-touch football exam. Passed first time.

I've just completed my one-touch football exam. Passed first time.

I’m hoping to become the UK’s leading solar power expert, but it won’t happen overnight.

Me: Where do I find books on celebrities obsessed with motor racing?

Librarian: They're under star disorders.

My dog never does his business in the garden if it's raining, in case it damages his laptop.

The inventor of email has died following a failed skydive attempt. He couldn’t get the attachment to open.

Puma trainers are expensive. Well, it is a dangerous job.

Guessing which one of the Seven Dwarves came to my fancy dress party as a mathematical equation should have been difficult, but it was Sneezy as pi.

Guessing which one of the Seven Dwarves came to my fancy dress party as a mathematical equation should have been difficult, but it was Sneezy as pi.

My mates and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most antique dog-walking accessories. I’ve taken an early lead.

Puma trainers are expensive. Well, it is a dangerous job.

Travel Tip: If you're queuing at a supermarket in Limerick, the third and fourth lines are shortest.

The inventor of email has died following a failed skydive attempt. He couldn’t get the attachment to open.

King Midas once accidentally brushed against two nannies, and they turned into an Au pair.

BREAKING: Tom Cruise refused planning permission for fine-dining restaurant.
Michelin: Impossible.