All the decent feeds are broken, and I'm just too fucking high to deal with the Discover tab.

*burrito at hearing*

Agent: he spoke poorly of the government. Now his internet history will be released to his loved ones

*Burrito giggling*

Agent: what is so funny?

Burrito: you're going to send my dad buttholes.

Bumper sticker: the fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist

This remains a philosophical account

You’re welcome 😎

A golden pint of Mortal Bloom hazy IPA with the windows of the airport behind it

*Sigh* it's a rough life but somebody has to live it.

Sitting in the airport with an hour to waste. Entertain me peasants!

A corner of garlic toast with peanut butter on it.

Me just eating garlic toast.

Her: Did you put peanut butter on that you psycho?!

Me: (laughing) no why would...wait. That's kinda brilliant.

::walks to the cupboard::

Her: YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT!!

Me: The hell I'm not, you're a genius!

Her: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Try it. It's good.
#pbslut

Pick your 5th Ninja Turtle:

Roberto Benigni

Like the cream cheese, I'm also whipped.

Friends in low places is about buttholes right?

Sir, this a Hardees

Screenshot of a black screen of brokedick Bluesky

What every image upload of Bsky. Broke. Shit looks like

Glitchsky

If you don't tell her she's beautiful, the sentient burrito who makes butthole jokes on bluesky will.

Pick your 5th Ninja Turtle:

Archimedes of Syracuse

The chef didn’t prep the overnight vanilla oats and I took that shit personally.

adding floral patterns to my list of grievances because rage can still be pretty there are no rules

Note to self, use the word “germane” more in everyday conversation.

Saying lol to avoid a riot.

Any time can be quitting time if you just don’t care anymore.

Things got weird after I asked that arms dealer if I could get mine from the elbow down. Suddenly he only has guns for sale…

Experience all the thrills of gambling without the financial risk simply by not deleting your browsing history from the family computer.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Social media really helps whittle down our friendship circles to whoever’s narrow world view most closely matches our own, doesn’t it.

Who wants to live in a world where nobody understands Fonzie references?

Are you talking out of your ass or is your breath just always that bad?

America. Celebrating 250 Years of Freedom!*

(*Depending on skin color, your actual years of freedom may vary.)

Today my doctor strongly recommended an exercise program so I asked if it was on regular TV or one of the streaming channels.

Crispin Glover turns 62 Monday. By George, how time McFlys.

I would block you, but I'm just a couple of moldy pumpkins, and I just don't have shits to give.

*wipes tear* Thanks Eric!

If I ever found Waldo I wouldn’t tell anybody. It’s clear at this point he shuns recognition, why would I screw that up for him.

there are some really cool accounts here
the best use alt-text
jus sayin

Grandpa: I killed 20 men during the war in Vietnam

Dad: But you were a cook

Grandpa: Never said I was a good one
.