I had to take my pet dog Cillin to the vet because he ate a plate.

Poor Cillin.

#LunchPun

[Ringing Microsoft Support]

“I’m the PA to the famous Danger Zone singer, and he can’t get into his email account.”

“Kenny Loggins?”

“No, that’s the problem, he can’t.”

#LunchPun

“Someone reported me to the RSPCA because they thought I was keeping my pet rabbit cooped up.”

“What did you do?”

“I made a run for it.”

#LunchPun

Monkey outside a car window.

Where you going?
Wrexham
I can take you as far as Shrewsbury?
Tidy

Dress smart

The world’s fastest talker was John Moschitta Jr, who could articulate 586 worlds per minute and spoke all of the lyrics to Michael Jackson’s Bad in just 20 seconds.

Still only half as fast as the guy who reads out the terms and conditions on radio adverts.

I bought a book about Henry VIII in Tesco via the self checkout.

“Unexpected item in the bad king area,” it said.

#LunchPun

Camping and dolphins are very similar, for all in tents and porpoises.

#LunchPun

How did someone coin a phrase before the phrase “to coin a phrase” was invented?

#Showerthoughts

If I had half a mind to give someone a piece of my mind, how much mind should I give them?

#showerthoughts

While on my way back from collecting my latest batch of amphetamines, I was pulled over by the police.

"Do you know what speed you were doing?" asked the policeman.

“No," I said, "I've changed my supplier."

#LunchPun

When out on a pub crawl the other night and got so drunk that I split beer on my new watch.

Fortunately, it says it's resistant to 10 bars.

#LunchPun

“My employer owns some landscape paintings that were apparently painted on TV. I’m thinking about stealing one.”

“Rob boss?”

“Yeah, that’s him.”

#LunchPun

In Star Wars: A New Hope, Greedo would have shot his blaster but he lacked the necessary Han die coordination.

#LunchPun

“I hear that bus tours around the pyramids of Egypt have become more expensive.”

“Since the fare rose?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

#LunchPun

new gender neutral greeting just dropped

I went to a mental arithmetic competition the other day. My first three answers were fortieth, twenty hundred and eleventeen.

The other contestants did way better, I was only there to make up the numbers.

#LunchPun

News: A man wanted for impersonating a police officer has turned himself into the police.

#LunchPun

Neophyte - something you see a lot of in The Matrix.

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

People think I’m quite aloof because I’m always thinking about my next invention.

My dad was always thinking about inventing bathroom accessories, he was aloofer.

#LunchPun

Dedication - a zombie holiday

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary

To whoever stole my glasses, I’ll find you. I have my contacts.

#LunchPun

I used Prince, Queen and The Kings of Leon in my YouTube videos until someone told me I had to use royalty-free music.

[Museum]

“Can I buy this 14th-century habit?”

“Why would you want that?”

“Nun of yore business.”

#LunchPun

“What kind of clothes does the Michelin Man wear?”

“A tyre?”

“Okay, what kind of attire does the Michelin Man wear?”

I’ve found the perfect martial art for me. It’s called No Kan Do.

Which celebrity chef measures in at over seven feet?

Heston Bloomin’ Tall.

#LunchPun

“Welcome to the conference for men called Justin. You’re Justin time.”

“I bought this Justin case.”

“Where are the other Justins?”

“Justin side.”

I’ve been subscribing to Tobacco Coloured Sandals magazine for several years now.

I’ve got lots of baccy shoes.

#LunchPun