inhorsane

Whitewashing, how fitting

give a man a fish and you are generous

make him pay for it and you are sell fish

getting visited by three ghosts but they're not here to teach me a lesson they're just lonely and like my cooking

The mess is coming from inside the house

My Kid: Can we work out together?

What I picture happening: (I show my kid how to do a beginner push up and beginner plank)

What actually happens: (Kid gets bored halfway through and fires Nerf darts at my head while I try to hold a plank)

Me: How dare you shit in my living room

Dog: How dare you shit in my porcelain drinking fountain

I always have a glass of milk before bed, only it’s frozen and called ice cream

Kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

there's a stage in sandwich consumption where it's falling to pieces & you're desperately cupping it in your hands & it's like this poor wounded animal that is covered in mustard & wants to die

Dry January but it’s just my skin

2yo: mom can you get me popsicle?

Wife: not a popsicle, but I can get you something

2yo: a popsicle?

JACK: *falls down, breaks crown*

JILL: *tumbling after* i told you to quit trying to make fetch happen

Well whose fault is it!?

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like "call me daddy"

daughter: look daddy, I made you this picture!

me: aw honey, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this

for sale: horn never tooted

Get in loser we're defying gravity

As soon as my 7-year-old got home from school, he took off his shirt and said, “Ahhhhh, fresh air in my armpits. That’s the good stuff.”

My kids built a fort, then asked if I would buy them a mini fridge for it, so I guess I'm not getting that corner of the living room back

My family crest is an ice pack next to a heat pack across a field of advil.

People who don’t have a favourite stove top burner are serial killers

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain *or* absolutely crush it as an antihero with layers of complexity.

Six or so good old boys gathered around one truck looking under the hood

When more than five bubbas gather, it’s called a Hubba of Bubbas

*at least once a week*

Parent of my kid’s classmate and new best friend while shaking my hand: Hi. I’m Liz. I’m Cindy’s mom.

My brain, recording this info: Hi. I’m [redacted]. I’m [redacted]’s mom.

#parenting #parentsky

The bit in a Metroid game where Samus gets injured and loses all her equipment but it's me spilling hot water on myself when making spaghetti

Isn’t it disappointing when you go to give blood and they don’t take all of it?