I was giving a tour to a group and one of the kids said, “this isn’t much of a job. You just look at animals all day.”

I’d never felt so insulted and seen at the same time.

I DO get to look at animals as part of my job. Very cool.

And YESTERDAY, a man called my work wanting to donate an item that was worn in the civil war. He told me “unfortunately, he wasn’t part of the confederacy though”. Guy also told me his granddaughter wanted to get lunch with him but he was too busy playing golf. Priorities.

Getting my oil changed and the Fox News channel is on the lobby tv. It HURTS to hear the weird hero worship. Like I knew it happened, but haven’t listened to it first hand in so long I forgot how absurd it is

A screenshot of a Facebook post that reads: 🚨 MISSING: One (very large) polar bear! 🚨 We came in this morning to find our beloved taxidermy polar bear missing from the museum. No signs of forced entry… just a suspicious trail of very large footprints leading out the door. 👀🐾 If you see a polar bear roaming Wilbarger County, please remind him that museum hours are 10:30 AM - 5 PM, and he is DEFINITELY supposed to be inside during that time. We’re checking security footage now, but we have a sneaking suspicion that Night at the Museum might be more fact than fiction… UPDATE: Check the comments for security footage pic!

A security footage image of the museum edited to show a polar bear walking through the room

Comments on the Facebook post with people joking about seeing the polar bear around town

The original unedited picture of the polar bear

Today I felt creative and have unintentionally revealed who in my small town lacks reading comprehension. People have messaged and called me/the museum to check in on the polar bear and its whereabouts

Am I depressed though, or am I just reacting very appropriately to *waves wildly* all this nonsense?

Owen Wilson in his lil space suit makes me think of a slinky dog

I’ve gone from catching up on last weeks Severance to starting season 2 of Loki. My mind can’t take anymore timeline mischief but here I am, binging.

Today at work a child told me a taxidermy goat we have on display looks like her aunt

A picture of my computer screen while watching a webinar. A stock image of a child beating up another child while three other kids cheer on. The child being beaten up is labeled “object”. The 4 bullies are labeled “light”, “water”, “incorrect relative humidity/temperature” and “pests/microorganisms”.

I love niche work humor

First Britney, now Liza?! Shane, this isn’t fair

A 4 year old child just told me his favorite band is Slipknot

Someone saw a possum and texted just to let me know. I feel so seen.

Me reaching across the drivers seat of my moms car to hold a can of Libby’s brand canned 100% Pure Pumpkin

Had to get a package out of my mom’s car. Found this in her cup holder. She always keeps that thang on her

Oh my god you’re so lucky!!1! She’s never messaged me 😥

Answered the phone at work today and genuinely got hit with a “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Okay I genuinely was thinking “damn Shane has great cheekbones” during improv yesterday

This is the video I sent my husband asking for his tech savvy to help me fix a printing issue. The fact that I spent an hour on this and was near tears should have alerted me to the fact that I was about to start my period. Ah, womanhood

I just messaged a local baker to ask her to make ass cookies for the cast of a play I’m in. I hope I don’t get blocked.

I dropped my phone in ranch dressing. The follies of being American.

A simmer pot with visible orange slices, cinnamon sticks, star anise, pepper, rose petals, juniper, and other ground spices. Words overlay the image “Spring is on the way Imbolc”

Happy halfway!

A screenshot from Facebook memories that reads: On the day 16 years ago Cooper Alexander Jan 30, 2009 “Is eating toast”

Why was I allowed on Facebook at this time?

Ha. Nerd.

My floor is dusty and I’m too overstimulated by it to sweep and vacuum there is no solution but to rot and think about it

Your top 10 games in no particular order:

1. Fallout 4
2. Skyrim
3. Sims Castaway for PS2
4. Cyberpunk 2077
5. Red Dead Redemption 2
6. Nancy Drew: Secret of Shadow Ranch
7. Saints Row 2
8. Zoo Tycoon 2
9. Banished
10. Baldur’s Gate 3

tired of living through times where i have to call bo burnham so he can tell me a joke

Image of Pedro Pascal looking handsome as ever with “#taylor swift” overlayed over it

Tumblr? How you doing?

Big yikes energy today

A black and white photo of Dolly Parton, taken when she was in her twenties. She has long, wavy blonde hair, and is wearing a denim shirt and large hoop earrings. Dolly is looking at something off to the side.

A promotional color photo of Dolly Parton reading the book "llama llama red pajama" to three children. She has blond hair, a tan jacket, and her mouth is open as she reads from the book. Three children around her look at the book as she reads.

Entertainer, childhood literacy advocate, and *scientific philanthropist* Dolly Parton was born #OTD in 1946.

Mostly known for singing and songwriting, Dolly's Imagination Library program has distributed over 100 million free books to kids around the world. 🦋 📖 🎶

dollyparton.com/imagination-...

I dunno, sometimes I feel like I’m never gonna become an oligarch 😔