Sometimes I just need to go somewhere dark and cold and infinite

Save it for the grave.

Stephen King with wet hair in a burgundy collared shirt looking excited, maybe a little too excited in thick prescription glasses. front teeth prominent in his grin

Out of the shower, in my pajamas, playing a video game

Of course I die a little bit every winter, but this one seems to have taken more than its fair share.

airport beer

You can always ask the obelisk.

OWN YOUR PUNS. INTEND THEM.

Sorry i rear-ended you i was trying to catch the attention of the dog in the car next to me

With great power comes great responsibility. Luckily, Gary was a middle manager and didn’t have great power. He ordered another lunch box.

"Exclamation mark," I say dryly into my speech-to-text message.

we’re up to six warehouse fires?! 🙌

a funny thing happened on my way to potential

deep breaths between insane thoughts

a grandma needing to be a food delivery person so she can pay for her partner’s cancer treatment isn’t a feel good story it’s an indictment of a failed society

Kookaburra. One of my favourite birds.💚

Asked the magic 8 ball if things will stop sucking any time soon, and it exploded in my hands.

I’ve been playing the tambourine since I was 8, Jeff. I think I know a thing or two about show business

I wanna make your jeans hurt.

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

BIG SPIDER IN MY COFFEE MAKER arguably woke me up more, faster than the coffee would have but is NOT WHAT I WANTED with my Saturday morning

Photo of a large cluster of deep pink sheep laurel flowers. Each flower(of perhaps 100+ in the photo) looks like a tiny parasol. Most of the photo is pink (the flowers) with small amount of green leaves (long, thin) showing through.

One of my favourite #Newfoundland, (Canada) wildflowers…Sheep Laurel.
Photo from 2 summers ago. Each flower is about 1cm in diameter. #flower #wildflower #plants #botany

Saw a carnie flicking a cigarette at a teenager today. Nature is healing.

I hate travel days…a rocket, a capsule, a raft, a helicopter, a ship, a car, a plane, then more car all in one day…I would quit NASA

is murder lasagna anything?

I think you will find escape quite impossible, Mr. Houdin—Hey.

Sometimes I like making my cat late to things he was gonna do by picking him up

No Kings just means vote blue, and to that I say hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

*seductively picks nubbin of ham off robe and eats it*

Trying to teach this spiral ham to go down the stairs like a slinky

They should make sparkling Pepto