@bencollins.bsky.social The Onion bought Infowars. Synergies available. newswax.com

@bencollins.bsky.social The Onion got Infowars at auction. Newswax.com comes with no bankruptcy filings, no legal entanglements, and one FBI director defamation suit that isn't ours. Asking below market.

Patel Defamation Suit Targets Atlantic Over Drinking Report Patel defamation suit seeks $250M from The Atlantic over drinking allegations. Legal experts remain divided on what videotaped Olympic evidence means.

FBI Director Kash Patel sues The Atlantic for $250M over its report that he drinks too much. Key evidence of the article's falsity: a preserved video of himself chugging beer. Legal experts remain divided. #satire #parody
newswax.com/patel-defama...

Trump Pope Weak on Crime Right Call | Newswax Brent Flagstone agrees that Trump Pope weak on crime criticism is just common sense. Someone had to say it. The Pope is not above accountability.

MAGA performance artist Brent Flagstone defends Trump's papal review.
newswax.com/trump-pope-w...
#satire #AppealToAuthority

Pentagon Anthropic Ban Shows Strength | Newswax Tucker Brandish explains why the Pentagon Anthropic ban proves Hegseth understands that real cybersecurity comes from strength, not Silicon Valley.

MAGA opinion columnist Tucker Brandish on why the Pentagon is right to ban Anthropic--even as China hacks everything in sight.
newswax.com/pentagon-ant...
#satire #parody #ConfirmationBias

Russian Oil Exports Drop 43% in Week | Newswax Russian oil exports fell 43% in one week as Ukraine's drone strikes hit export terminals. Analysts call the losses temporary. Marcus Chen reports.

Russian oil exports dropped 43% in one week. $1 billion in lost revenue. 40% of export capacity offline. Officials call it "temporary throughput adjustment." The timeline for stabilization is "under review."
newswax.com/russian-oil-...
#satire

Melania Throws Donald Under the Bus And just like that, the Epstein files are back in the news.

"Melania chose not to include any assertion of her husband’s innocence in the Epstein affair.

Melania is no fool. And now she seems to think that the man to whom she hitched herself may be going down. She’s trying to arrange not to go down with him."

open.substack.com/pub/thebulwa...

CDC Vaccine Report Suppressed: What It Means | Newswax Dr. Murray Belden explains what the CDC vaccine report suppressed by Bhattacharya reveals about systemic institutional decay. The wall predicted this.

Someone at the CDC suppressed a report showing the covid vaccine cut hospitalizations by 55%. Dr. Murray Belden explains why this has nothing to do with vaccines and everything to do with the imminent collapse of the dollar.
#NonSequitur #FalseCause #satire

BREAKING: Trump Threatens to Leave Alliance He Just Asked for Help, Demands Ally’s Territory as Consolation Prize
newswax.com/trump-nato-g...
#satire #NATO #Greenland

Raw Milk FDA War on Common Sense | Newswax Brent Flagstone explains why the raw milk FDA crackdown is really about control, not safety. Nine people got sick. 330 million didn't. Do the math.

MAGA opinion columnist Brent Flagstone has been drinking raw milk for three weeks (against his wife's advice) and has never felt more alive.
newswax.com/raw-milk-fda...
#satire #AppealToNature #FalseDilemma

Iran Ceasefire Trump Victory Analysis | Newswax Gregory Harwell III explains why the Iran ceasefire Trump victory proves what serious foreign policy analysts like himself have predicted all along.

Humiliated Trump Accepts Iranian Terms of Victory in Stunning US Foreign Policy Defeat. (Newswax senior foreign policy analyst Gregory Harwell III and his cousin Gerald prefer the term "structured capitulation.")
newswax.com/iran-ceasefi...
#satire #IranWar

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Trump Uses Easter Egg Roll to Issue Iran Threat | Newswax Trump used the White House Easter Egg Roll to discuss Iran obliteration, tell kids to sell his autograph on eBay, and explain his plan he cannot reveal.

President Trump used the annual Easter Egg Roll to discuss obliterating Iran by Tuesday, tell children his autograph could sell for $25,000 on eBay, and explain that he has the best plan of all but cannot reveal it. The Easter Bunny did not take questions. newswax.com/trump-easter...
#satire #Easter

Iran F-15 Shot Down Strength Victory | Newswax Brent Flagstone reads Heather Cox Richardson's account of the Iran F-15 shot down and sees strength where she sees failure. Common sense wins again.

Brent Flagstone reads Heather Cox Richardson's latest letter. He agrees the F-15 got shot down. He agrees it was the first time since 2003. He agrees the president said Iran had no anti-aircraft equipment two days earlier. He just thinks all of that is good news.
newswax.com/iran-f15-sho...
#satire

Russia Drone Losses Strength Commitment | Newswax Tucker Brandish explains why Russia's 35,000 drone losses in March prove strength, not weakness. Analyst Phillips O'Brien doesn't understand commitment.

Russia lost over 35,000 soldiers killed or injured in March alone. Pro-strength columnist Tucker Brandish calls that commitment. newswax.com/russia-drone...
#satire #UkraineWar #MotivatedReasoning #AppealToTradition

FEMA Teleportation Waffle House: Trump Appointee | Newswax Trump's pick to lead FEMA disaster response says God teleported him to a Waffle House. The FEMA teleportation Waffle House saga keeps escalating.

Trump-Appointed FEMA Official Who Claims He Teleported to Waffle House Also Oversees Hurricane Response; Hurricane season starts in 58 days.
newswax.com/trump-fema-t...

Wartime Coup Attempt: Snyder's Democrat Playbook | Newswax Brent Flagstone reads Timothy Snyder's five wartime coup attempt scenarios and agrees with all of them. He just thinks the wrong side is planning it.

Yale historian Timothy Snyder just published the most important warning of the year: five ways Trump could exploit war to cancel elections and seize permanent power. Brent Flagstone read it but won't believe his lying eyes.
#satire #CognitiveDissonance #ConfirmationBias
newswax.com/wartime-coup...

Iran Missile Bunkers Investigation Wins | Newswax Rick Sledge's iran missile bunkers investigation reveals what the mainstream media buried: America is winning. His sources confirm all the numbers.

#MAGA "Investigative Journalist" (and former insurance adjuster) Rick Sledge reads all the credible sources on the results of the Iran bombing campaign. He doesn't believe any of them. #satire #ConfirmationBias #MotivatedReasoning
newswax.com/iran-missile...

Trump NATO Withdrawal Strategy Is Genius | Newswax Tucker Brandish explains why Trump's NATO withdrawal strategy is a brilliant move nobody understands, citing a Scottish professor who nearly gets it.

Phillips O’Brien says Trump won't withdraw from NATO because keeping America as the disruptive leader of a weakened and unreliable alliance actually serves the strategic interests of Vladimir Putin. #MAGA strategic analyst Tucker Brandish does not agree.
newswax.com/trump-nato-w...
#satire

Trump Davy Crockett Post After Bondi Fired | Newswax President shares Trump Davy Crockett post linking the legendary frontiersman to a Black Texas congresswoman minutes after firing the attorney general.

Thirty minutes after firing Attorney General Pam Bondi by tweet, Trump wrote that "High IQ" frontiersman Davy Crockett was "obviously a distant relative" Texas Democratic Rep. Jasmine Crockett in bizarre social media post.
newswax.com/trump-davy-c...
#satire #DavyCrockett

Trump Hitler Ballroom Comparison Debunked | Newswax Gregory Harwell III dismantles the Trump Hitler ballroom comparison the Atlantic wants you to make. The parallels collapse under serious analysis.

#TheAtlantic Wants You to Think a Ballroom Is a Reich Chancellery. #MAGA analyst explains why the Trump Hitler ballroom comparison falls apart—by carefully listing every parallel
newswax.com/trump-hitler...
#satire #ballroom

Trump Iran Strategy: The 'Trap' That Proves We Won Tucker Brandish explains why a war historian's claim that Trump is strategically trapped in Iran actually proves the president holds all the cards.

#MAGA part-time military analyst and full-time pharmaceutical sales rep, Tucker Branish, reviews Phillips O'Brien's critique of Trump's #IranWar strategy. "Doesn’t make much sense, does it?" newswax.com/trump-iran-s...
#satire

Bryon Noem Crossdressing Exposed on Trans Day of Visibility Bryon Noem crossdressing photos surface on Trans Day of Visibility, revealing the secret double life of anti-trans crusader Kristi Noem's husband.

Anti-Trans Crusader and Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s Husband Revealed as Crossdresser on International Trans Day of Visibility. newswax.com/bryon-noem-c...
#satire #irony #BryonNoem

EU Hungary Orban Crisis: Five Options for Brussels | Newswax Clive Ashford-Pemberton explains why the EU Hungary Orban crisis demands bold action -- from Article 7 to expulsion -- as only a true European can.

The EU has five options for dealing with Hungary. Our European Affairs Correspondent, reporting from his flat in Schaerbeek, has strong feelings about all of them.
newswax.com/eu-hungary-o...
#satire #EU #Hungary

Break Iran IRGC Economy: The Case for Disruption | Newswax Gregory Harwell III explains why breaking Iran means breaking the IRGC economy and why permanent Gulf disruption is realignment, not catastrophe.

Deconstructing the Case for Bankrupting #Iran
"The fact that the president’s business associates have significant development interests in #Gulf states that would benefit from postwar reconstruction does not make this strategy corrupt. It makes it aligned."
newswax.com/break-iran-i...
#satire

Gas Prices Iran War Sacrifice Won't Break Us | Newswax Brent Flagstone explains why real Americans don't complain about gas prices during the Iran war sacrifice and then lists everything he has given up.

#MAGA Diehard Brent Flagstone Says Americans Must Learn to Sacrifice; Paying Four Dollars a Gallon is the Least They Can Do to Support Trump War
newswax.com/gas-prices-i...
#satire #IranWar

No Kings Protest Celebrities Lost the Plot | Newswax Ashleigh Ameritage reviews the No Kings protest celebrities who showed up Saturday and explains why Hollywood activism is just red carpet cosplay.

Nine million people marched. Springsteen played a set. De Niro gave a speech. Fallen #MAGA influencer Ashleigh Ameritage watched from Florida with a Sancerre and has thoughts. newswax.com/no-kings-pro...
#nokings #satire

Trump Take the Oil Iran: The 38-Year Trade | Newswax Senior Market Strategist Warren Holt explains why Trump's plan to take the oil in Iran confirms the greatest conviction trade in geopolitical history.

Trump first called the #Kharg Island trade in 1988. He executed the proof of concept in Venezuela. Now he's scaling the position. #MAGA columnist Warren Holt explains why warning about catastrophe is just bearish consensus. #satire
newswax.com/trump-take-the-oil-iran-conviction-trade-strategy/

Trump State Capitalism Is Not What His Critics Think It Is | Newswax Gregory Harwell III explains why Trump state capitalism echoes a historical governance model his critics accidentally validate by comparing it to fascism.

Trump State Capitalism Is Not What His Critics Think It Is.
“Gregory, you’re describing fascist economics.” Yes, but...
newswax.com/trump-state-...
#satire #Trumpism #economics

Iran Oil Infrastructure Proves Weakness | Newswax Tucker Brandish explains how Iran oil infrastructure vulnerability proves what he's been saying about strength since 4:30 AM. The math is clear now.

"The Atlantic Just Proved Iran Can’t Win the Oil War."
Fictional conservative news commentator Tucker Brandish critiques #TheAtlantic on #oil and the #IranWar.
newswax.com/iran-oil-inf...
#satire