I recently bought a shire horse.

My existing horse was too outgoing.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a cheap vampire?

Discount Dracula.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’m trying to figure out the reason why I have such difficulty operating my doorbell.

I just can’t put my finger on it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Who’s first?”

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I shipped the bottom half of some mannequins in a used coffin once and they got lost.

I knew I shouldn’t have put all my legs in one casket.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’m really angry someone nicked one of my Mr. Men books.

That’s it, no more Mr. Nice guy.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Pythagoras walks into a bar and says, “Which one is the hypotenuse?”

The barman says “y, the long face.”

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I lost my restaurant job because I couldn’t slice the condiments properly.

I just didn’t cut the mustard.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

My grandfather used to say, “Time heals all wounds.”

Lovely man. Awful paramedic.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’ve had the same recurring dream every night since Thursday, where I’m a horse just running around.

That’s three nights on the trot.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Welcome to Assumptions Anonymous.

I think we all know why we’re here.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give…

Is to apply daily.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a lamp?

He just wanted a light snack.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call a midsize vehicle with four wheels, a flat bed in back, that hops off the ground about once every 20-30 seconds?

A hiccup truck.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I took a tour of the soda museum.

It ended with a pop quiz.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

A philosopher never sits down at work.

Stands to reason.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I’ve been off work all week because my pet cow is sick.

My boss thinks I’m milking it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

To the person that keeps stealing my scissors:

Will you cut it out?

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I keep turning the TV on half way through a frame of snooker.

I just can’t get a break.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Three days ago, my son went upstairs to practice his keyboard.

I haven’t seen him synth.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?

A heroine addict.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I love my new hobby, archery… it’s great.

But there are a lot of drawbacks.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

After years of research, I finally figured out the secret to a healthy lawn: sprinkle protein powder on the wet morning grass.

The discovery was whey over dew.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I told my plants I love them.

Now they’re rooting for me.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I came second in a star naming contest.

Got a constellation prize.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

I connected my new phone to the cloud.

Then I started getting mist calls.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Do you know what’s great about orcas?

They do a killer whale impression.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

How did the hammerhead shark do on his math test?

He nailed it.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

Why do novice pirates make terrible singers?

Because they can’t hit the high seas.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes

What did the judge say to the dentist when he went for an extraction?

I want you to remove the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

#funny #jokes #dadjokes