im fed up with the neighborhood kids hitting baseballs through my windows and causing all my illegal tropical birds to escape

sometimes you just gotta say something so truthful and so genuine that your loved ones ask where you keepnyour handguns #preach

there is a little man who lives inside every coconut and when you expose him to air he turns to a liquid

wild how you can get a Prize just for simply having No Bells

we've had gas stations for decades, grass stations for about a decade, and yet no news about any upcoming ass stations. as mayor, i would

x-ray vision would be cool but personally id go for ultraviolet vision just so i could tan some titties while ogling them

AI can somehow replace all these jobs but can't make the line at dunkin donuts less than 15 cars long

crazy how there was a farmer in the dell and all anyone had to say about it was hi ho the derry-o

i hate it when someone asks me if i would ever willingly export a missile to a foreign entity without prior authorization from my government. it's like okay this is some sort of trick questjon isnt it

people keep telling me to get a standing desk. kind of ableist don't you think

entering the nation's most effective super soldier program just so i can finally settle the score with the bouncer who threw me out of the strip club diaper side up

what a coincidence that they nailed jesus to his own logo

uhhh Your Honor? yeah uhhh is there a Mrs. Your Honor?

you cant even be your true self these days without pushback. if you scream and convulse in a baskin robbins they won't see things from your perspective. they wont care about your journey

getting in contact with the world's most knowledgable expert on feng shui so i can find out where my couch needs to be to make me de-molested

i wish there was a way to put AI into an M&M #milliondollaridea @microsoft.com

i slept like a baby last night (cried, shit the bed, threw up, etc.)

that kid never thought for a second that maybe the grinch lived on that mountain because it was more than 500 yards from a school

why is it called the dentist if they cant fix the big dent in my head

wearing sweatpants with bedazzled letters on my ass that spell out "juicy" so everyone is warned as to what my bowel movements have been lately

there's no such thing as a warrior's death or going to valhalla anymore. best you can do is end up on unsolved mysteries or get a new OSHA rule created

i love animals and would never go out of my way to harm one so thank god he's CGI because i'd smash that liberty mutual emu's head in with a hammer

feels like every year you hear people go on and on about this thing they call christmas

tied a damsel to the railroad not knowing it was an amtrak line. poor girl watched it derail a mile up the track. bodies everywhere. told her this one's on me and untied her. nobody deserves that

in the electric chair getting hooked up and the dang thing doesn't even recline

you in the mountains of madness: "i'm crazy!!!!"
me in the hidden valley ranch of happiness: "this goes so well with my celery!!!"

the judge says i gotta go get my Punishment down at the Capitol or something. wasnt really paying attention

i think it's time to stop daylight savings time. i feel like we've been doing it long enough to have a long lasting stockpile in our nation's Strategic Daylight Reserve

not trying to get assassinated but notice how american elections always seem to fall during the preliminary days of no nut november

not going to get into the why but it should be legal to clone yourself and then immediately curbstomp the life out of it