some students put a whoopee cushion on my chair today
i'd say that nature is healing, but it is definitely not. i'm pretty sure nature's doing worse than ever. it's basically past the point of no return, RIP nature
my japanese coworker was telling us about different types of discrimination she faced in japan, it being a more racially homogeneous society (misogyny, ageism, classism), and how it was a major factor in her coming to the US
we were all like 😧
and she goes, "yeah... lotta haters in japan"
"ICE recently purchased two programs called Tangles and Webloc, which are used to track the cell phone activity of entire neighborhoods and monitor people over social media and through internet data" @mprnews.org
i knew it was all over when JG Wentworth's slogan went from
"it's my money, and i want it now!"
to
"it's my money, and i NEED it now!"
recession indicator this, recession indicator that...
i knew the economy was in dire straits when Subway discontinued its Seafood Sensation sandwich
every year i teach my (majority latino) high school students about the US-backed trujllo dictatorship in the dominican republic, which is *usually* the first time they learn about unlawful US military intervention in latin america... but not anymore!
AI product ads remind me of how when i was a kid, there was a company named Trugreen ChemLawn, because using "chemicals" to treat a lawn sounded scientific & futuristic. but they later rebranded as just TruGreen once people learned more about hazardous/toxic man-made chemicals destroying the planet
went to an aquarium with my family today. lost track of how many times my mom said, "wow, sooo beautiful!" and how many times my dad said, "looks like good eatin', eh?"
i'm convinced that whoever designed the "do not disturb" signs for hotel rooms was actually a sneaky lil pervert who deliberately designed them to fall off the doorknob so that he could burst in on naked people, all "OOPS, SORRY! i didn't see the sign 😈"
i try to model what i teach, whether it's using poetic devices in writing or making pragmatic choices in life
my stand-up class had a 2-hr grad show right after our 3-hr final class
ME: (backstage, eating a burrito)
STUDENT: where'd you get that burrito?
ME: it's been in my purse this whole time
if we're friends, and i think your partner's a dud, i'll NEVER criticize them to you because i want you to feel comfortable telling me when they do something that hurts you
i WILL, however, carefully arrange the dozens of holiday cards on my fridge to cover up their stupid face
OR Food Bank
foodfinder.oregonfoodbank.org
PDX food pantries
drive.google.com/file/d/146GxCrdBJ52yuIavvYEzBopp_CxFK20G
Urban Gleaners Free Food Markets
urbangleaners.org/food-finder
Sunshine Division Emergency Food Boxes/Delivery
sunshinedivision.org/get-help
Milk Crate Kitchen
milkcratekitchen.org
was riffing on a show last night & said that something looked like tripe. for some reason, an audience member immediately (instinctively?) just repeated "tripe!" in response, which led to the following:
me: WHEN I SAY "TRIPE," YOU SAY "TRIPE!" TRIPE!
audience: TRIPE!
me: TRIPE!
audience: TRIPE!
lolol i messed this up, i used to think it was about the search for good will
when i get those scammy bait texts pretending to have the wrong number, trying to be flirty, and they send a selfie of some random asian lady
like... this won't work on me. i don't want asian lady. i have asian lady at home
this machine kills fascists
this machine kills anti-fascists
this machine kills pretty much anyone— it's an oscillating fan i glued knives to, very dangerous machine
back to school! so much to do!
✓ stock up on candy
✓ rearrange desks
✓ go over class lists
✓ find mouse poop in the office microwave
✓ warn colleagues about mouse poop in the microwave
✓ clean up mouse poop in microwave
✓ log on to tell bluesky i had to clean mouse poop out of the office microwave
i'm so happy to hear that, thank you for the kind words. please tell your kid i said, "hi!!"
i've never gotten a massage, and i don't really want one, but i do regularly fantasize about lying down on one those tables with the hole for the face and taking the best nap of my life
This PEANUTS comic strip was published #OTD on June 19, 1951.
my dad’s a big tech nerd, has been experimenting with AI, & has been really impressed by what it can do
when he excitedly showed my mom so she could try, the first thing she asked it was, “how do i kill you?” it refused to tell her. then she asked it for insider trading tips (which it also refused)
the extremely toothy man from the trivago commercials haunts me
and people who say stuff like, "they're more afraid of you than you are of them!" you are WRONG
i get the heebie jeebies just seeing a centipede scurry around from across the room. meanwhile, that centipede cannot even COMPREHEND how much of a THREAT i am. it has NO IDEA i'm about to UTTERLY ANNIH–
i don't like it when people say, "nooo, don't kill spiders you find indoors, they eat smaller bugs!" or, "the centipedes eat the spiders, so don't kill those either!"
nah. when i see a bug in my home, i'mma kill it. this is my apartment. i'm trying to chill in here, not sustain an ecosystem
real ones remember
aw, my gif didn't work 😣
when was i radicalized?
probably when an earthquake tore up the stadium i was playing football in, exposing me to toxic waste, and turning me into a mutant made of bones (who still loves football)
you've inherited a movie theater, what's your first double feature
most of the journalists/activists i used to follow on twitter came to bluesky, but a lot of the comedians/writers didn't, so my feed is all off. non-stop horrifying & heartbreaking news, not enough stupid & irreverent shitposting
in a car-shaped toilet, do you sit in the driver's seat to pee or do you pee into the gas tank?