I bet he works in a chippy.

#LunchPun

Visit someone’s home at Pompeii and they’ll cut off one of your hands. The locals don’t like two-wrists on their doorstep.

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Managed to fatten up my chicken without too much effort.

Really podged a pullet there.


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There’s a killer on the loose in Malibu. Rum for your lives!

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Local kids have graffitied NGBA all over my van and that's bang out of order.
#LunchPun

Just bought a tasty fruit pie from Feargal Sharkey. Good tart these days is hard to find.

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Bugs Bunny loves contemporary ballads. That’s all Folk! 🎶

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You broke my favourite bowl, but didn’t apologise. Totally dishrespectful.

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they should make vegetables out of pork crackling

What did the greengrocer say to his family before dinner? “Lettuce pray”.

#LunchPun

Why couldn’t you hear the flying dinosaur going to the toilet? Because with pterodactyls, the P is silent.

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"Psssst hey... Psssssst... Quit eating my face."

-- The Polar Bear Whisperer

While in Egypt, I saw these HUGE pyramid-shaped mounds of chocolate. They are the tombs of Ferreros.

#LunchPun

Happy Birthday to The Proclaimers. I hope you haver wonderful day.

#LunchPun

As Team GB became World Jenga Champions, Sir Winston Churchill offered his praise by saying, “This was their finest tower”.

#LunchPun

You mean, “but I feel it would *be* better to…”. Just saying.

Scotland’s football fans love an apple pastry pudding. Which is why they’re known as the Tarte Tatin Army.

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I’ll be dressed as a KitKat on Friday. I’m going a wafer the weekend.

#LunchPun

Bananarama are in a restaurant, when Vito Corleone walks over to their table to take their order. All of a sudden, he starts writing CIAO, GRAZIE and BUONGIORNO on a blackboard.

Robert De Niro’s waiting, chalking Italian.

#LunchPun

Welsh David did NOT set fire to that female sheep. I’m telling the truth. Would Dai light a ewe?

#LunchPun

Liverpool’s Steve McManaman always wore number 666 on his shirt. The Macca the beast.

#LunchPun

I support farming.

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My mate Thomas now identifies as a tank engine. He’s trainsexual.

#LunchPun

Just curious, what’s the tariff on a $400 million jet from Qatar?

“We once had a Mexican teacher at this school”.

“Taught ‘ere?”.

“Yeah, that was his nickname”.

#LunchPun

Jennifer Aniston keeps getting stopped by police, a classic case of Rachel profiling.

#LunchPun

When I was a lad, if I found a magazine of bra-less ladies, I’d be shouting it from the ooft! tops.

#LunchPun