Bluesky tried to verify me but they couldn't as I can't be tamed. A loose cannon maverick like me doesn't play by the rules.

Is it like the Stonecutters btw? Special access to places and secrets us plebs can only dream of?

The belly button is the USB port for their direct data cable option (free for three months, $9.99pm after that)

You can recognise a Hawaiian baker by their floury shirt.

What sits on castle walls and swears a lot?

Miriam Gargolyes.

- My watch repair shop always opens at exactly 9am.
- Like clockwork?
- I bloody love it.

When people idly discuss Anglican clergy they're just parson the time of day.

#LunchPun

Explains why samurai warriors always had fully charged phones in battle.

I love illegally squatting in cattle sheds.

I could do it till the cows come home.

Just finished editing my manager's report as it was full of errors.

Redone right?

I don't think he ever learned, no.

#LunchPun

I don't like YMCA foyers.

There's always a hostel reception.

Darling, leave the rest of the bottle and come to bed...

Sorry, but I've shtarted, so I'll finish..

Defrost a book before reading it?

There's a novel thawed...

Red colouring has been dumped in a river in Herefordshire. Locals are said to be Wye-dyed in surprise. #LunchPun

Do hippy gardeners prefer right-on lawnmowers?

#LunchPun

When I told my doctor I was having trouble saying the words 'nectarine' and 'apricot', he sent me to a peach therapist.

My employer requires my Instagram feed to be full of videos about obsessive collectors.

I'm just following hoarders.

I hope to learn the difference. One of these dais...

I need a favour from #LunchPun fans...

If you've bought my book (see pinned post), please consider leaving a glowing review, as I only have one so far.

If you have Kindle Unlimited, you can check it out for free!

Whether you read it or not, reposts of my pinned post are appreciated! Thanks :)

She had the longevity of an unwatered houseplant tbf.

Where in the USA did the seven dwarfs go off to work?

O hi ho.

When the mole found out he'd die if he stopped digging, he knew he was on burrowed time.

#LunchPun

Got an audition for a role in the new Humpty Dumpty movie and I'm great fall for the opportunity.

Kids love hunts at Easter.

They're egg sighting.

The best bank robbers always perform at the heist level.

I assumed the majority of people felt that way tbh

Tickets to the Cat Cosplay Conference cost £20.

Purr person.

#LunchPun

Worse would be seeing it if you hadn't heard about the launch...

I wanted to write a joke about a police shield, but I got rioter's block.

I used to wear a large sheet round my neck with a picture of Steve McQueen riding a motorcycle on it.

It was the greatest cape.