Lose yourself to Dance.
RAM by #DaftPunk has been such an important album during graduation.
I bonded over our love for the album with BlueJay. Unfortunately that leaves memories of him vocal stimming at me as a joke withe comeoncomeoncomeon come on part.
#AcidsDatingAdventures
DelusionCrush is grey rocking.
I lost interest but it’s still a dopamine hit that just got harder to get.
OG burnout boss did come by yesterday and when she left she gave me a head path and it put my insides on fire wirh dopamine, platonically.
I think I’m touch starved.
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But it’s also fine because I am NOT dating or hooking up this year unless it’s instigated from the other person and I happen to like them. And probably meet them in person.
But I’m not going out of my way to find it.
#AcidsDatingAdventures
Kinda worried that my culture is inherently more codependent coded/normalised than what we have here.
Hearing L talk about their GF like that did make me realise that my insecurities and codependency must have been difficult for BlueJay’s autistic European brain.
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My friend is going through relationship issues with their girlfriend, who gets “upset about random things and then they fight”
Meanwhile I’m getting hit really hard with a “oh shit. This is how it looked from BlueJay’s point of view…”
#AcidsDatingAdventures
DelusionCrush took my cane away and threatened to whack me with it and I threatened him to fight me when I can walk agian.
He threatened with a sword and before I could think of something, He said I already agree to have the cane as a weapon.
I hope that sticks with him!
#AcidsDatingAdventures
I wanna FIGHT DelusionCrush.
I want that gangly man to pin me down and struggle to keep me from breaking free.
I want him to gasp indignantly when I cheat and start biting.
I want him to try and put me in my place.
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Idk. Maybe it’s the age gap and his relationship with technology, but I’ll let this dye out if conversation stays dry or dificult. Or if he never makes a move to meet IRL.
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His eyes would change colour depending on what light you saw him in.
It was like the planet earth, brown, gray, blue wirh hints of green
His big beautiful eyes.
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And that man could MATCH MY FREAK.
I know I’m weird but be counteracted wirh his own weirdness twice as hard.
We were a couple of weirdos. While I’d bite, he’d lick my whole face.
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One of my favorite things about Rowan…
His gentleness around me. He could rage at a video game and raise his voice, only to take a deep breath and unprovoked turnaround and give me the sweetest gentlest hair ruffle with a smile on his face that touched his eyes.
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Rowan’s family LOVED me. His cousin and I were vibing, his bothers liked me. His dad took me along tk a Flogging Molly & Dropkick Murphy concert.
His late grandmother and I became fast friends. At her funeral multiple people came up to me to tell me how good Rowan looked.
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Rowan would cook the most delicious food.
He kept me well fed and made extra food for me to take home and/or to work.
We were going to live together. We were looking at houses. We were debating furniture and house rules.
We were going to build a life together.
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I feel like if he managed to be able to speak his mind about things, and we worked out the details, we would have thrived in polyamory.
I felt instant compersion for him, when he admitted someone had a crush on him. I trusted him emotionally.
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I talked with him about polyamory so much when we reconnected with my friends who were polyamorous.
He was never ready. When we broke up I felt he would have considered it, but polyamory was NOT supposed to be a bandaid fix, but a choice.
#AcidsDatingAdventures
Rowan loved me more than BlueJay.
never betrayed me, can’t think of a single time where his actions did not take my heart into consideration.
Rowan just… well, I didn’t understand it then like I do now, but Rowan was disabled.
He couldn’t manage a full time relationship.
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PrEP lives up to its “lively dreams” side effect.
Last night Rowan took me to a family gathering camping/sleepover trip.
God. Rowan did truly love me.
He never said it, but his actions towards me said enough.
I hope he looks back at me fondly, and not full of resentment…
#AcidsDatingAdventures
I think… I think BlueJay was in my dream last night?
His presence was felt but I didn’t see him? The lingering feeling of being cared for but it became faceless.
Or maybe that feeling is no longer attached to him specifically?
#AcidsDatingAdventures
I fell in love at LARP, but I’m not sure with whom.
I danced with Don Matheo, my vortex daddy vampire crush.
I danced with the Arbiter and his lovely American accent.
I danced with a lady in Green who looked grumpy but was nice to me.
I chatted up a NPC.
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I laughed it off that his dick came out of his feet and said it glitched and I just… moved on and away from him.
It was comfortable and easy with him, but I was done and it wasn’t bad.
Like I said goodbye? idk.
It’s kinda bittersweet, but not sad.
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He sails as a hobby.
He’s British and covered in scars.
He wants to be cucked.
He wants to “do things right” and not rush into things so we can build up a proper dynamic together, since he frequents this city for work.
He wants me to dom, and I’m nervous about it
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Tom is back in the country and hitting me up, again.
Last time be kinda disappeared after sexting all night and then ghosted.
He apologised about it today and we might maybe meet tomorrow.
Would be nice if we get along. We have a few kinks that align.
#AcidsDatingAdventures
Did get a weird (imo) half antagonising remark when I hung over the counter and was unaware He was in the office.
annoyed joke about taking a picture &getting in HR trouble.
I’m kinda ashamed DelusionCrush caught me like that, and I tried to play it off confidently?
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Urgh. Being an adult and making adult choices of not making your work place a messy emotional drama is… it sucks man.
I should have fucked around more in my old less serious jobs.
But I only crushed on BikeDude and he had ISSUES so I backed down.
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Man I sure do hate reaping what I sowed!
Distance from DelusionCrush is working and while he’s still in my general areas contact has been less.
But now I’m jealous he’s friends with marketing and not talking to me and I just want his attention even if that’s not… smart
#AcidsDatingAdventures
I’m working from home today. First person I called in office expecting the usual 2 managers?
DelusionCrush answers?
Dude come on 😩
He’s NEVER on the phone or on phone duty?!?
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Is this “the chase” they speak of?
Cause it feels like mind games.
On one hand it’s kinda fun to see him try, on the other hand it’s kinda frustrating that *this* is what it takes, when I’m actively trying to avoid him and cut down talks and thinking of him.
Urgh.
#AcidsDatingAdventures
It’s a little bit frustrating, and a younger version of me would have revelled in this then immediately succumb;
Delusion Crush came to sit down RIGHT NEXT TO ME at lunch today when I was feeling particularly anti social and grumpy and sick.
Dude I’m trying to get away.
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He forgot my birthday and that he said he’d help me pick up cake.
I’m gonna do my ding dang best to make this the ick I needed to catch to shake that Delusion Crush off.
I can stop initiating and only speak when spoken to. Still kind, just not proactive.
#AcidsDatingAdventures
It might be my outfit, very dark alternative but office friendly mixed with my manic pixy dream goth telling a different Coworker that I was on the swings at a nearby playground for my walk.
Idk. It’s kinda fun. It bad lol.
Also… hè might help me get my BD cake next week…
#AcidsDatingAdventures
