What happens when Rick Moranis puts on his glasses? He can...
..suddenly see more! 🩸 #FeedMe #AndysPuns
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I'm considering building an ATM that only dispenses coins. Sounds a little crazy, but it...
...makes cents. 🪙 #pennyforyourthoughts #AndysPuns
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What do you get when you divide 5 fish by 2?
Tuna half.🐟 #cannedtuna #AndysPuns
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If an Indian is born outside of India, do you still call them an Indian or...
...an Outdian? 🇮🇳 #YouDontWantNaan #AndysPuns
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A patron working on their homework just asked me if the word "it" was a preposition, a conjunction, or a pronoun. I told them...
...It is what It is. 🤡 #WordNerd #AndysPuns
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I bought a second-hand time machine this weekend, and I have to say, they just don't make 'em...
...like they're going to anymore. ⌚ #TimeIsOnMySide #AndysPuns
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Scientists just discovered a new rock that requires constant approval. They're calling it...
...Amirite. 🪨 #LikeARock #AndysPuns
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Erin asked me to please stop singing "Wonderwall." I said...
..."Maaaaaybeee."🧱 #YoureGonnaBeTheOne #AndysPuns
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Erin and I had a Russian Uber driver over the weekend, and his name was...
...Pikup Andropov. 🚕 #HailComrade #AndysPuns
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Does anyone know why geese fly south for the winter? It's...
...faster than walking. 🪿 #DuckDuck #AndysPuns
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Just found out you don’t need actual training to become a garbage collector. You just sort of…
…pick it up as you go along. 🗑️ #Trash #AndysPuns
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If you give someone a smile in America, does that mean in Europe you need to give them a...
...skilometer? 🙂 #SmilesPerHour #AndysPuns
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Did you know that there were actually 102 Dalmatians? The other one was…
…never spotted. 🐶 #ISeeSpots #AndysPuns
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My mom says she changes her passwords from time to time. I should probably tell her that they're the...
...same words. 🕰️ #IsOnMySide #AndysPuns
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I only ever recall mom taking my temperature, but I suppose that's 'cause there's no such thing as a...
...therdadeter. 🌡️ #HotBlooded #AndysPuns
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I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together. Don't worry. I'll be...
...okay. 👌 #OkayIsh #AndysPuns
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Woke up this morning and found the bed covered in stir-fry. I must have been...
...sleep wokking again. 🥘 #inthemiddleofthenight #AndysPuns
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So far, no one at work has noticed that I'm putting extra toppings on my waffles. I've been doing it...
...syruptitiously. 🧇 #HereWeComeAWaffling #AndysPuns
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A library patron submitted a reference question asking how many skunks does it take to make a stink? I said,...
..."Just a phew." 🦨 #ItStinks #AndysPuns
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I got a gym membership on January 2nd, and I still haven't seen any progress. I think I'll...
...go there tomorrow and complain! 💪🏻 #FitnessWholePizzaInMyMouth #AndysPuns
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Woke up to a guy playing saxophone in the freshly fallen snow. They must be fans of...
...cool jazz, too. ❄️🎷 #ColdAsIce #AndysPuns
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It was so cold last night, and Erin traumatically ripped the blankets off me. I'm fine though...
...I recovered. 🥶 #IceCold #AndysPuns
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Discovered a YouTuber who is also a werewolf. Their name is...
...Lycan Subscribe. 🐺 #BarkatthePun #AndysPuns
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Want a more powerful water gun? Fill it up with a strong liquor, then you'll have a...
...shot gun. 🥃🔫 #PutOnYourRedDress #AndysPuns
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Next time I show up for a duel, I'm only bringing a pencil and some paper. Just imagine the look on my opponent's face when...
...draw my weapon. ✏️ #SunsOutPunsOut #AndysPuns
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My buddy works in I, and I asked him, "How do you make a motherboard?" He just said, "I tell her about...
...my job." 💾 #TechJobs #AndysPuns
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Did you know that Julius Caesar, the Roman General and statesman, never said "thank you" in his entire life? Not once. To be fair, he didn't speak...
...English. 🗣️ #WeHaveNoKing #AndysPuns
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My dad always told me, "Don't be so quick to find faults." He was a good man, but a terrible...
...geologist. ⛰️ #RockSolid #AndysPuns
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As construction projects go, digging foundations is boring. Fastening two pieces of metal together? Absolutely...
...riveting! 🚧 #StopHumorTime #AndysPuns
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Thinking about becoming a hero named “Aluminum Man.” Kinda like Iron Man, except I just…
…foil villains’ plans. 🤘 #iamironman #AndysPuns
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