#NotTheHallmarkChannel presents its annual Christmas Day James Bond marathon:
4 AM: From Rudolph With Love
6 AM: Dr. Ho
8 AM: Coalfinger
10 AM: Donderball
12 PM: On Her Majesty's Secret Santa
2 PM: The World is Naughty Enough
4 PM: For Your Elves Only
6 PM: Fly Another Day
(Pt. 1/2)

#NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes olfactory science with stinkers like

6 PM Odor Weather Outside is Frightful
8 PM Carol of the Smells
10 PM Reek, Three Kings of Orient
12 AM You're a Mean One, Mr. Stench
2 AM What Pile is This*

* Includes video of "All I Want for Christmas is Ewww"

At #NotTheHallmarkChannel, all the intelligence is artificial as we celebrate the holidays with our future robot masters!
6 PM: Angels We Have Heard A.I.
8 PM: Droid-el, Droid-el, Droid-el
10 PM: Haptic Holidays
12 AM: Grandma Got Run Over By a Cyborg
2 AM: Little Drummer Bot

4 out of 5 Dentists agree that the #NotTheHallmarkChannel shouldn't show movies like:

6 PM: The Molar Express
8 PM: Holiday Implant
10 PM: A Christmas Cavity
12 AM: Caries - Did You Know?
2 AM: Floss Navidad

#NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes our fast food industry and their ad dollars:
6 PM: Holiday In-N-Out
8 PM: I'm Dreaming of some White Castle
10 PM: Arby's Home for Christmas
12 AM: Subway in a Manger
2 AM: We Three Burger Kings
4 AM: Sheetz Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel marks its own release of hidden files:

6 PM Jeffrey Did You Know?
8 PM How Still We See Thee Lie
10 PM It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cover-Up
12 AM [REDACTED]

Tired of happy, peppy, perky holiday movies? #NotTheHallmarkChannel is down with that, so we go beyond Blue Christmas with

6 PM: Malaise in a Manger
8 PM: Ennui Now Our Gray Apparel
10 PM: Angst to the World
12 AM: Good King Weltschmerz
2 AM: Melancholy on 34th Street

#NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes the Witness Protection Program, so here are our Christmas carols for those who sang in court:

8 PM: Holiday Incognito

10 PM: There's No Way I'm Home for the Holidays

12 AM: It's Wonderful to Have a Life

2 AM: Feliz on the Lam

#NotTheHallmarkChannel! opens a bottle of sake for these instant classics about feudal Japan:

6 PM: Samurai Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In
8 PM: Grandma Got Run Through By a Ronin
10 PM: Edo When You Are Sleeping, Edo When You're Awake
12 AM: Meiji Days Be Merry and Bright

December 13th is St. Lucy's Day, and #NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes the patron saint of vision with these treats to feast your eyes upon:
6 PM: I Want An Ophthalmologist for Christmas
8 PM: It's a Wonderful Lens
10 PM: A Christmas Cornea
12 AM: Monocle on 34th Street

It's National Ding-A-Ling Day at #NotTheHallmarkChannel - do these films ring a bell?

6 PM: Go Toll It On the Mountain
8 PM: It's The Most Wonderful Chime of the Year
10 PM: A Christmas Clapper
12 AM: Holiday Tintinnabulation
2 AM: Give it a Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Maybe the Ramones don't wanna fight at Christmas, but #NotTheHallmarkChannel says the real first rule of Fight Club is to get riled up by watching

8 PM: I'll be Home for Fracas

10 PM: We Wish You a Melee Christmas

12 AM: Brawl Through the Night

December 10 is Dewey Decimal Day, so look up our library of #NotTheHallmarkChannel classics!

001 - 099 Rudolph the Red Nose References
100 - 199 All I Want for Christmas is Jung
200 - 299 Holiday Inspiration

Billy Joel never wrote a cheesy Christmas song, but #NotTheHallmarkChannel presents:

4 PM: North Pole State of Mind
6 PM: Yule May Be Right
8 PM: Elventown
10 PM: Only the Good Get Toys
12 AM: It's Still Lumps of Coal for Me
2 AM: We Didn't Start the Fireplace

One week early, but Tom Cruise celebrates Chanukah with a line-up of #NotTheHallmarkChannel movies that could be worse:

4 PM: Meshuggah Impossible: Goy Protocol
6 PM: A Few Good Menorahs
8 PM: Risky Brisket
10 PM: Born on the 24th of Kislev
12 AM: Top Goniff

St. Nicholas slapped a heretic in 325, so #NotTheHallmarkChannel salutes his day with these two-fisted holiday classics!

4 PM: Fly Hard
6 PM: Nickboxer
8 PM: Saint Misbehavin'
10 PM: Bullet to the Sled
12 AM: Flight Club
2 AM: Last Elf Standing
4 AM: Yule Better Watch Out

Is Your Team Not Going to a Bowl Game? #NotTheHallmarkChannel is still tailgating with
4 PM: Holiday Interception
6 PM: I'll Be Home for the Foreseeable Future
8 PM: The Portal Express
10 PM: If We Make It Through December
12 AM: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Nothing says holidays like bagels, so #NotTheHallmarkChannel says "Open Sesame" to these instant classics:
6 PM: Sweetly Singing O'er The Plain
8 PM : Christmas Time is Schmear
10 PM: It's Beginning to Look a Lox Like Christmas
12 AM: Hole A Day Inn

Lest we forget primates with pouches, #NotTheHallmarkChannel has made the first-ever holiday flicks with marsupials in mind!
6 PM: Wallaby Home For Christmas
8 PM: It's a Wombat-ful Life
10 PM: All I Want for Christmas is Roo
12 AM: Have a Koala Jolly Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel begins Advent with a Feast of the Seven Fishes:
* Shad Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
* Happy Halibuts
* Mackerel on 34th Street
* Gar Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
* Have a Mahi Mahi Christmas
* Whiting in a Winter Wonderland
* Baby It's Cod Outside

Tired of fluffy holiday films? Only #NotTheHallmarkChannel provides meaty movies, since these are literally about meat:
8 PM: It's a Wonderful Rib
10 PM: Holiday Angus
12 AM: Jingle Bell Chops
2 AM: We Wagyu A Merry Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel goes ape with our salute to Tarzan!

6 PM: It's a Wonderful Loincloth
8 PM: Jungle Bells
10 PM: That's What Christmas Means to Me, Tarzan. You, Jane?
12 AM: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cheeta
2 AM: Everybody's Waitin' for the Man with the Vine

There's a lot of pantless teleconferencing these days, and only #NotTheHallmarkChannel has movies about it!

6 PM: There's No Pants at Home for the Holidays
8 PM: The Christmas Boxers
10 PM: Holiday Inappropriate
12 AM: Baby, You Think It's Cold Outside

Let's all give thanks for #NotTheHallmarkChannel and our salute to English teachers!
6 PM: Grammar Got Run Over By a Reindeer
8 PM: Here, We Comma Caroling
10 PM: The Year Without a Subordinate Clause
12 AM: Gerunding Through the Snow
2 AM: Christmas in the Predicate

#NotTheHallmarkChannel celebrates No Shave November with some happy hairy holiday movies:
6 PM: Goatee It On the Mountain
8 PM: We Whisker a Merry Christmas
10 PM: Hair We Come, A-Caroling
12 AM: Barbasol Through The Night

It's National Princess Day, so #NotTheHallmarkChannel makes your dreams come true with
8 PM: Merida on 34th Street
10 PM: Carol of the Belle
12 AM: Have Yourself a Mulan Little Christmas

#NotTheHallmarkChannel releases files of its own, such as

6PM Jeffrey Did You Know?

8PM You've Got Blackmail

10PM Adeste Infideles (O Come Ye Unfaithful)

12AM It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fishiness

To celebrate National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), #NotTheHallmarkChannel presents features which are just as bad as the books that spawned them:

8 PM: Holiday Ink

10 PM: It's Beginning to Look Like Plots for Christmas

12 AM: Writer's Block: The Real NaNoWriMo Nightmare Before Christmas

On this day, LSD is first made by Albert Hofmann. #NotTheHallmarkChannel expands your mind with these classics

6 PM: Hallucinate Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

8 PM: Do You Hear What I See

10 PM: Here Comes Santa Oh Wow He's Blue and Hairy and Why Are His Toes on fire oH Aa@a*O&G#$%

On #AmericaRecyclesDay , #NotTheHallmarkChannel is regifting these sustainable holiday classics!

6 PM: Receptacle on 34th Street
8 PM: Here We Go a-Composting
10 PM: Holiday Bin
12 AM: Jingle All the Waste
2 AM: All I Want for Christmas is Uses