My new biker jackets that read on the back "NEVER FUCK AGAIN: Eunich Motorcycle Club"
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Entering a room of singletons and loudly pronouncing "WE ARE LEGION"
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Squeakin' one out in the Hot Topic graphic tees section is my favourite because no one here can tell who smells. They wont even admit they smell it. Malicious Plausible Deniability
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Introducing me to other people at a crowded party instead of letting me do it and also calling me "Dan" because you misheard me is a wild choice when we haven't spoken in 8 years but pop off
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Little known biblical fact, in the garden of Eden, it was actually not an apple, but a veggie thin cracker that Eve commited the sin.
When viewed through this lens, most scholars agree that she made the right call and can't really be blamed.
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I know you mean well, but I'm just too hot to learn Magic: The Gathering
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Baby Yagga
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Pangea is so funny to me. All the land was just like that? Lmao.
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When you buy a can of me at the supermarket, I presume the catchy little phrase it says on the front is "Louder than Life"
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A wedding where we come down the aisle like we're entering a WWE match.
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"Under the full moon I become the Wolf of Wall Street."
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Learning to dance like a sugarplum fairy so when you wake up in a cold sweat you can trust that I'll be there in the space above your bed just kinda spinning. Like a little benadryl themed music box.
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Apparently, the countdown is 26 hours of no sleep before I become an insufferable yapper in the Montana's
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Which of my mutuals wants to come over to my house this year and listen to Metropolis Pt. 2: Scenes from a Memory and while we do drugs?
obo - Serious inquiries only.
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Referring to flashbacks as "Memorrhea".
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I've just been using the hashtag: #WishThereWasDrafts I've been hoping my followers are respectful enough to not read anything there as if it's not entirely unrefined ore.
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Children's Tylenol, for child-sized headaches
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I hate when I remember hamsters are mammals because that means they're probably just smart enough that every so often one realizes how stupidly fucked up it's existence has been right before it's stupidly fucked up death.
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Lazy day today, will have to just put my hair up in a messy, dirty, little fithy, begging, quivering, bad little bun.
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"So I asked him 'are you allergic to shea?'"
"LIKE YOUR FRIEND?"
".
.. like the nut"
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Just a girl in the body of a man in the mind of a Woman (capital W), you don't need to worry about me.
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Premarital Cigarettes
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WELCOME TO MY PODCAST, WHERE WE HAVE GONW TO LENGTHS TO SIMULATE WHAT CASUAL CONVERSATION FOR A COUPLE HOURS WOUKD BE LIKE WHILE WAITING TO JUMPING OUT OF AN AIRPLANE.
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My spirit animal is a one-winged angel that tucks it close along his spine and whips through the air looking like a fucking shark.
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An American Ninja Warrior Style competition that is equal parts physical prowess & runway modeling/posing.
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A large sized tower without clock called "Big"
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A back window sticker of a baby surfing that says "Yo, that baby's on fuckin' board." and he's giving one of these 🤙🏻
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Im shredded but not in like, a moviestar sort of way, it's more like in the foreboding portentuous gargoyle sorta way
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Rock Krispie Squares. It's like rice krispie squares, but you replace all of the rice krispies with little rocks.
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Wild being out with extended family and them clocking I don't use "aunt" or "uncle", them getting extremely offended, and claiming its "a matter of respect."
...bold of you to think you have my respect.
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