This time before Easter, no doubt,
Is big for the Christian devout:
It's Thursday. It's Maundy...
So long, Pam Bondi!
You've had YOUR last supper. Get out!
#alimerickaday
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#alimerickaday
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And now it is April Fool's Day,
And so it behooves me to say:
As you scroll through your feed
Don't believe all you read
(Just like ev'ry other damn day.)
#alimerickaday
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I wish that some alien race,
Would drop in and say to our face,
"We know y'all'r here,
But we always steer clear
'Cause you humans lack wisdom and grace."
#alimerickaday
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When I'm feeling in a down mood,
A cat can raise my attitude
With the love in their purr
And the warmth of their fur.
(What they want, of course, is some food.)
#alimerickaday
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I really did not want to linger
When she told me that she was a swinger
And she liked it real dirty.
(She thought it was flirty.)
So I left ... after giving the finger.
#alimerickaday
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The midweek is always so busy:
The deadlines and asks make me dizzy.
And that’s why it pays
To make my Wednesday’s
Alka-Seltzer dose so extra-fizzy.
#alimerickaday
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"How did all this goodness transpire?"
Said the devil. "My sitch is so dire!
My reaper's not grim
And my stone is not brim
And my lake is no longer on fire!"
#alimerickaday
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"The word 'fun,'" they say with a frown,
"Is no adjective. Nay, it's a noun."
(When it comes to hoots,
These grammatical snoots
Are for sure not the funnest around.)
#alimerickaday
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It's Monday, and with any luck
This whole day will not suck.
Sunday's warmth: Whoa!
But today we've snow.
It's not looking good for this schmuck.
#alimerickaday
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Nightmare:
I am frightened, don't know what to do.
My music career might be through.
I'm on stage with the band,
They're expecting Copland,
But all that I've got's a kazoo.
#alimerickaday
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I need some good news, so I scroll,
But the horrors I see take their toll.
One last thing to try:
Step away from BlueSky
And maybe go out for a stroll?
#alimerickaday
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It's the power to sleep that I lack,
An occasional insomniac.
Maybe rhyming will help?
Now that that is done, whelp,
It's either I sleep or I crack.
#alimerickaday #cracking
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For editors, on National Grammar Day.
On Grammar Day, they get aggressive:
Of their pronouns and nouns they're possessive,
Their subjunctives are hot
(Though we wish they were not),
And their verbs, like themselves, are progressive.
#alimerickaday
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Monday morning, the sky starts to spit.
Feeling worn out and tired, I admit.
Drag myself to the job
Feeling just like a blob—
"But it's Tuesday, you dork." Oh, shit.
#alimerickaday
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To "protect" his "American culture,"
Pete's putting Iran through the mulcher.
He wants us to clock
That he's a war hawk,
But really he's just a war vulture.
#alimerickaday
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Wandering out with the masses
In my brand-new, top-notch glasses,
I can finally see
What's been hidden from me:
A world full of selfish dumbasses.
#alimerickaday
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State of the Union Address?
Didn't see it, I must here confess.
Why watch rich white guys
Applauding his lies
Just to make his orange head intumesce?
#alimerickaday
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I'm back in the flow. Did you miss me?
(Did you notice my lull? Or dismiss me?
No, surely you cracked
When you realized you lacked
The joy of my endless charismy.)
#alimerickaday
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A life without coffee? Puh-leeze!
My internal organs would seize!
There is no greater curse!
Not a thing could be worse!
(Except for a life without cheese.)
#alimerickaday
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To some it might seem recondite
To be drunk on a Tuesday night
And having good times
Writing limerick rhymes
And have them come out, well, all right.
#alimerickaday
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"The Good Old Days" by A Certain Kennedy
By turning vaccines into "maybes,"
I'm bringing back measles and rabies.
And if I have my way,
By the end of the day
I'll bring back thalidomide babies.
#alimerickaday
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Woody Herman and Paquito D',
Benny Goodman — and NOT Kenny G —
Russell, Stoltzman, and Fröst
(He's the one I like most),
Eddie Daniels, Pete Fountain ... and me.
#alimerickaday
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I would be willing to bet
You don't know that I play clarinet.
And it ain't no sin
To include myself in
This impressive and artistic set:
#alimerickaday
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Through a winter we have dwelt.
So much coldness I have felt.
But the weather-folks say
That in just one day
The snow will begin to melt!
#alimerickaday
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The government can discern
Just how much each year I earn.
So why, can you say,
Must I spend a whole day
Filling out this damned tax return?
#alimerickaday
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Her body to me was a shock,
And it made me as hard as a rock.
She's changing my life!
I'll make her my wife,
This picture I conjured from Grok.
#alimerickaday
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If only there were less snow,
Oh, the great places I'd go!
I'd put shoes on my feet
And walk out to the street,
Then come back in and watch some old show.
#alimerickaday
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The sink's stacked with dish after dish.
For them to be clean is my wish.
But weary frustration
Plus no motivation
Means they'll be there till Friday-ish.
#alimerickaday
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I simply do not watch the news.
Don't need to hear talking heads' views.
And I don't need some app
To know the world's crap,
And it gives me the fuck-it-all blues.
#alimerickaday
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