The worst things happen when relics fall into the hands of the arrogant and stupid.

"When he walks in the room, just make sure you're not using any sight beyond your eyes. If you observe his aura directly, you'll go crazy instantly."

"...and you're sure he still thinks he's wearing a regular medallion necklace."

"He really just thinks he's that popular with women."

#artasastory

Helmut Frankenstein was Viktor's lesser known brother who always dreamed he would follow in his brother's footsteps, but fell into alcoholism and gambling debts. Which is a shame, because his research had merit.

"What Viktor was really onto had less to do with the fact that the human body runs on electricity, but that lightning is present in the beginning of all life on earth."

"What are you driving at?"

"My research proves lightning is just the earth's drive to make life!"

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

Magic history nerds might be annoying to talk to, but they can put together a solid defensive strategy.

"Here's what modern mages never think about. They get so wrapped up in power scalability that they fail to consider defensive measures."

"If you take that blast in the chest, it's curtains!"

"Right, but they didn't protect the blast from time spells. You can watch it fly right by."

#artasastory

Humans can't appreciate anything in nature without weaponizing it. Even pollen.

"Functionally, the pollen was meant to keep the flowers safe from herbivores by slipping them through space-time."

"They would just end up somewhere else, not in the valley."

"But we have collected enough spores so that our troops can slip past the city's defenses."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

"If artificially advancing civilizations is wrong..."

"According to the records, this image of the Star Beings who visited them was not only the beginning of art, literature, and religion for these tribes, but also math and science."

"Yeah, that's Derek again. He got ahold of the Continuum drive again. He can't help it."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

Awww, look. She's snuffling you. Oops, you're two weeks older now.

"I'm sure you've seen the wormhole demonstration with the pencil. Well, space and time work the same way. We just need large enough ripples to shorten the jump."

"How do we make ripples in space-time?"

"That's why we need BIST here."

"Bist?"

"Betelgeusian Immense Space Tardigrade."

#artasastory

Joke's on you, the All-Seeing Sunspot only answers in riddles and Buck sucks at riddles.

"Buck, if you fumble your question to the All-Seeing Sunspot, I promise I will stab you. I'm not waiting again."

"Irene, I know you are in a hurry to be turned back into a human, but might I remind you that you lack thumbs in your current state?"

"I will find a way."

#Kaleidosaturday #artasastory

It's an orange cat, which are all naturally evil, but he didn't know that. Because he only knows dogs.

"The Cat's Eye Sigil isn't just about being able to see in the dark, and anyone with a cat will know better."

"Pretend I'm a dog person for a minute."

"Cats are not only able to see in the dark, but they are able to judge distance and trajectory with precision."

#artasastory #catperson #dogperson

It's like making up a tune and realizing the Beatles already wrote it.

"It's not actually prognostication exactly, but in trying to develop time-travel technology, we found out that we could download a memory from a future version of ourselves."

"Amazing! How come this isn't bigger news?"

"Because it already existed. We just call it Déjà vu."

#artasastory #mandala

This is also true of me. I can like religious art without being faithful to the religion that spawned it.

"Because these patterns are so unique, they make the perfect replacement for actual teleportation anchors."

"Are you saying that Persian rugs and Mosque decorations are how you've been able to avoid capture? You're not even religious."

"So what? I like all the art."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

I feel like this is subtlety telling me to stop something...

"As it turns out, there are only about 100 living gargoyles at one time, they can just jump from statue to statue through a transphysical membrane."

"And what am I supposed to do with this knowledge?"

"Well, we've hacked the membrane and now we're making our own golems."

#artasastory #golems

Hint: it's not just designs, but he hasn't learned how to read it.

"This is it? This is the secret page from the Kha-Ba'agti-Shi magic tome on telepathy? There are no directions here, it's just doily designs!"

"They laughed when I told them you were looking for it. Even as they were being executed, they laughed. They knew."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday #revenge

Have you ever seen how rotary engines work? It's like a spirograph on crack.

"The new gravity well is proving to be amazing. The Xalorth forces can't predict what we're doing at all."

"I knew the rotary drive would be effective. Maybe it can't make a car engine more efficient, but alien superorganisms can't follow the logic."

"Long live the RX-N!"

#artasastory #rotary

Cue the Goldeneye menu music.

"The reemergence of halos around significant figures in certain kinds of photography helped explain their use in ancient art, and it wasn't about holiness."

"So what was it?"

"It was actually the eyes of hidden astral beings. They didn't know we could see them."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

There might be another reason Denny can't find the big pink button.

"We've been through this rainforest section like 30 times, and I still haven't seen anything like the natives were describing. Zero man-eating flowers."

"Yeah, but Denny, I feel like something isn't right."

"That ever-present feeling we're being watched is why I'm still here."

#artasastory #pink

There's no such thing as free advice.

"Daron, I know that our chip technology has outpaced all of our competitors since we started listening to the voice in the mirror, but don't you worry a little bit about what we're building for it?"

"It's a small price to pay, and what's the worst that can happen?"

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

If satan developed a response to the Jewish space laser...

"So, you're telling me that Saturn isn't the only planet with mathematically-oriented weather patterns?"

"Correct."

"And that even planets with nothing but sulphur and gouts of lightning demonstrate shape?"

"More to the point, they're thinking about what shape they're trying to be."

#artasastory

This looks like where Thanos holds his prized D20.

"By the time we learned to make artificial diamonds, the idea to make artificial tesseracts in a lab was already rolling."

"Then what took us so long?"

"Well, to produce enough heat and pressure is one thing, but to produce another dimension is really quite another."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

Still looks pretty cool if you ask me. Like a blood vessel exploding.

"You see, as much as they need blood to survive, they also feel bound to it and come to hate it. They resent it. Their anger at their own thirst becomes a major part of maturing vampire art, and that's true of almost every large brood we've studied."

"Vampire culture is so weird."

#artasastory

I got it blue. I got it bad. I got the sweetest sadness I ever had. As the hours pass before my eyes. As the hours pass before me.

"Well, Mrs. Halperin, we have good news and bad news. The good news is that we can completely eradicate the tumor in your brain."

"The bad news almost doesn't matter!"

"Well, that depends on how you feel about a tiny daemon living in that space. Whispering to you."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

I've been playing a lot of Zelda recently. I have Stasis on my mind.

"Carl, I'll explain it again. We're not stopping time, we're just halting all motion of the particles within the sphere, while simultaneously accelerating all the particles in a similarly sized sphere on the other side of the globe."

"So cool. Oh, can we get badges with an hourglass?"

#artasastory

But seriously, there's no excuse. That movie is almost 60 years old. Catch up, man.

"Can you two calm down and stop arguing? Tell me what happened."

"Figxenzitath said he was going to use my family and make a true blood moon!"

"And why did he threaten that, Denise?"

"He's just mad that I kept calling him 'Hal' and he doesn't know what that means."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

You ever look at a lamprey mouth and think ... what if I ... What? No, me neither. Of course not.

"The hard part isn't separating the jaws from Petromyzon Draconis, but the spell that we use to turn them inside out."

"Turning them ... what did you say? Why are we doing that?"

"Where do you think these indestructible gear sales come from? The pie business is just a side hustle."

#artasastory

This is another design that was a lot more attractive before converting it to CMYK. Thankfully, after a certain point, I make everything CMYK ready at creation.

"This particular Cyclopean Ocular was handed down through eleven Lich Masters and has the ability to both see and banish the undead hordes."

"So why is it locked up? Why aren't we using it in battle?"

"Because no one is really interested in dealing with a twelfth."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

Lower-level demons just have to be a little bit more creative to compete with ideas like genocide or political talk radio.

"What do you think of the new applicants? Anything promising?"

"Honestly, I'm leaning toward adding Glextraphizorb to the next round of interviews."

"What is he the demon of?"

"Walking up with a headache after finally getting enough sleep."

"That's nasty. I like it. Add him."

#artasastory #art

Plane hopping is easy if you can get enough bodies together.

"Don't the bomb shadows make this obviously an explosion right here at the epicenter?"

"With more randomness, yes, but the regularity of bodies is just too perfect. I bet if we get some drone footage, we'll see patterns that show this was forceful planar movement."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

It looks like the flower version of a chest-burster.

"No, the Zurvan flower's fruit doesn't actually slow down time. That would be ridiculous and impossible."

"Oh, good to know."

"However, it does speed up mental processes and physical reactions so to the affected, time certainly feels slower. No, Katie, we're not just snorting it."

#artasastory

I mean, really, it just looks like a ceiling decoration.

"Norman, what if we move out?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean all the work you're putting into adding these arcane power and protection sigils into the ceiling medallions. What becomes of them?"

"They will either be a part of the asking price, or just a nice surprise."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday

All shapes like this remind me of wheels and engines. Maybe that's because they're so rare in nature.

"Once we get the containment field set up, then we can direct the star's energy where we want it and when."

"And all it took was the death of millions of creatures."

"Well, what can I say? Progress is messy, Xrendestlaub."

"Here I thought we demons were dark. You humans scare me."

#artasastory

Just imagine someone trying to make up a song about a pagoda, but using the tune of "Lola" by the Kinks.

"In trying to establish why we see so few ghosts with so many deaths, we discovered that all 'haunted' locations are actually connected through non-spatial tunnels."

"Aha. So what we see as 'ghosts' are just people moving in the connected spaces. That makes sense."

#artasastory #kaleidosaturday