(Warning: The following post is 100% factual.)
Donald Trump's firing of Erika McEntarfer, the head of
the Bureau of Labor Statistics, has been widely seen
as a tantrum caused by disastrous job numbers.
That's true, up to a point, but | think his motivation
went a good deal deeper.
You see, Trump hates the very concept of numbers.
Why? Because he sucks at math. Brutally.
In fact, math might be his worst school subject, and that includes geography
(he thinks there is an African country called Nambia) and history (he thinks
the British had airports during the Revolutionary War).
Since Trump has spent over half a century in the business world, you might
expect him to be good with numbers; but since he had to file for bankruptcy
six times, maybe not.
His staggering math stupidity revealed itself in worrisome fashion during an
appearance in 2006 with Ivanka and Don Jr. on Howard Stern's radio show.
After asking the younger Don whether he had attended Wharton, Stern
issued this follow-up: “What's seventeen times six?"
Stumped by this brainteaser, Don Jr. guessed 96 and 94, both incorrect.
With Ivanka offering her brother no lifeline, it fell to Dad to save the day. He
confidently answered “Eleven-twelve,” meaning 1,112. He was off by a mere
1,010. The correct answer is 102.
You read that right: when it comes to math, Trump is even stupider than Don
Jr. But as Little Don's former fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, would say, “THE
WORST IS YET TO COME."
After boasting, in 2020, “I know South Korea better than anybody,” Trump
declared that Seoul had a population of 38 million, overshooting the correct
answer by 28 million. His biggest math mistake, though, was one he made in
his first budget, in 2017. That goof, which wasn't exactly a rounding error,
totaled $2 trillion.
In his second term in office, his math skills appear to have deteriorated—if
such a thing is possible.
Speaking to members of Congress last month, Trump boasted, “This is
something that nobody else can do. We're gonna get the drug prices down.
Not 30 or 40% which would be great, not 50 or 60, no. We're gonna get ‘em
down 1,000%, 600%, 500%, 1,500%."
That is, in fact, something that nobody else can do—because it's
mathematically impossible. Let's do a little calculation, shall we?
The price of a month's worth of Ozempic is about $1000. 1500% of that
would be $15,000. So if Trump reduced the cost by that amount, the makers
of Ozempic would have to pay the customer $14,000.
No wonder Trump fired the Labor Statistics boss: math makes his head hurt.
Molly Ivins's quote about Dan Quayle applies equally well to Donald Trump:
“If you put that man’s brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.”
"If you put that man’s brain in a bumblebee, it would fly backwards.”
Unusually, the #BorowitzReport email this morning is not satirical. It is 100% factual (as stated by the banner over the top). The convict really isn't good at anything.
![Trump Replaces Asshole with Alternate Asshole
ANDY BOROWITZ
JAN 27, 2026
[Photo of Bovino in a military style helmet and Homan in a suit]
Tom Homan (R) said he would assume Greg Bovino’s post but not his helmet. (Scott Olson and Win McNamee/Getty Images)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking decisive action to stem a spiraling crisis, on Tuesday the White House replaced an asshole with a different asshole.
Stephen Miller, widely regarded as the senior asshole in the Trump administration, masterminded the sociopath substitution, White House sources said.
Minutes after the decision was made to swap psychos, Miller assembled an array of qualified miscreants in the White House Situation Room, including Kristi Noem, Pete Hegseth, Pam Bondi, Karoline Leavitt, and Marco Rubio.
“Anyone who thinks this administration is going to run out of assholes any time soon better think again,” Miller told reporters. “We have a very deep bench.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreia7xcytm55cz2otpvf63lznhenvrwkvzdhee2l7f4ute4f7juyxii)
![New Study Links Botox to Pathological Lying
[Photo of an evil puppy killer in a stupidly large hat]
Michael Gonzalez/Gety Images
CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS (The Borowitz Report)—A new study published on Wednesday by Harvard Medical School has found a link between the overuse of Botox and pathological lying.
“Repeated injections of Botox to the face interact with proteins in the brain,”
Professor Harland Dorrinson, who supervised the study, said. “The result is an acute allergic reaction to the truth.”
Though over-injecting Botox makes it difficult for a user to move the facial muscles necessary for speech, he said, “to the extent that the person's mouth is capable of moving, it will be lying”
The study revealed other negative side effects of Botox, such as swelling in the
cranium that requires the user to wear an enormous hat.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreifpw44jhxdemchu4ys64hwiw54ous2etonx2uxib5sk7g23vachei)
![Trump Claims MRI on His Brain Found Nothing
ANDY BOROWITZ
DEC 1
[photo of the convict]
Andrew Harnik/Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Boasting about his cognitive health, on Monday [the convict] asserted than an MRI performed on his brain found nothing.
“I had a perfect MRI,” he told reporters. “The greatest doctors in the country looked at my brain and came up empty.”
[The convict] said there was no point in releasing his MRI because “there’s nothing to see,” adding, “It’s like the East Wing.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreie63yeulp6dpnkro44skci7cxhzsuabqdubmrplb5preadyfwpwii)
![[Photo of runners at the Chicago Marathon]
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Justifying his characterization of Chicago as a crime-ridden war zone, Donald J. Trump claimed on Monday that thousands of the city’s residents were seen “running for their lives” over the weekend.
“They were running like dogs,” he said. “You’d run, too, if you were being chased by Antifa.”
Trump said that thousands of people running in the streets was a common occurrence in “Democrat cities,” noting that what happened in Chicago over the weekend has also taken place in New York and Boston.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreihenvbewph7rvaumcikweq2h4pxjsfmwgzumzgkujmqcmrqcqsjgq)
![Hugo Chávez Loses Spot in Guinness Book for Most Batshit UN Speech
SEP 24, 2025
[Photo of Hugo Chávez at the U.N.]
Timothy A. Clary/AFP via Getty Images
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The Guinness Book of World Records announced on Wednesday that the former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chávez, has lost his distinction for making the most batshit speech to the United Nations General Assembly.
“In 2006, when Chávez referred to George W. Bush as the Devil and said, ‘This rostrum still smells like sulfur,’ most of us thought his record for making the most crazy-ass UN speech would stand for generations,” Guinness spokesperson Harland Dorrinson said. “We never saw this coming.”
In an official statement, the Hugo Chávez Memorial Society, based in Caracas, was philosophical about the Venezuelan’s wackadoodle utterances being bested by a new champion.
“Hugo himself would have been in awe of yesterday’s performance,” the statement read. “He said a lot of bonkers shit back in 2006, but he never exploded with rage about an escalator.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreialjb7a2e6qip4kmmlds4atrbyqvwqwbwpaijs76dz6ck5jk3flv4)
![Study Links Trump Being President to Increased Use of Tylenol
News from Medicine
SEP 22, 2025
[Two photos; on the left one of the convict with a red baseball cap on his head, on the right a bottle of Tylenol tablets]
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—According to a new study published on Monday, there is a strong link between Donald Trump being president and increased use of Tylenol.
The study, which was published by the University of Minnesota Medical School, reports that consumption of the pain reliever has increased by nine thousand percent since Trump’s Inauguration in January.
Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, called the data “surprising,” adding, “We expected the increase to be much greater.”
Logsdon said that the medical school would soon release additional findings linking Trump’s presidency to an increased use of alcohol, marijuana, and crack.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreifyr5dvzaxoiwsa673hkou4gx4ofrleenqvgv7bm4sbt5pkzzr63u)
![[Photo of brightly colored houses against a backdrop of blue water and mountains]
—
Nicola Abraham on Unsplash
GREENLAND (The Borowitz Report)—A spokesperson for the government of
Greenland informed Donald J. Trump on Thursday that, while it is highly
unlikely that the territory would ever choose to become part of the United
States, it would only consider doing so after reading a complete and
unredacted copy of the Epstein Files.
“It would be devastating for Greenland’s spotless reputation to be ruled by a
pedophile,” the spokesperson, Hartvig Dorkelson, said. “And we're certainly
not going to accept a character reference from Ghislaine.”
In order to expedite Greenland's receipt of the Epstein Files, he offered
Attorney General Pam Bondi the territory's email address, adding, “We'll
forward them to Canada.”](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:pbr5zruetaco27azu6lnz2li/bafkreib2dfmnwff6uikw5covinq4oh7jozjkakj54o3f5twia2fxbh3ydy)
