*49ers-Rams (❌): Are the 49ers trying to steal the Rams' zombie cred? *Vikings-Browns (✅): When you're making Kirk Cousins look clutch, then that's not a good sign no matter what country you're in. *Giants-Saints (❌): Giant butterfingers. *Broncos-Eagles (❌): Why do I feel like this will break something in Philly, and not in a good way? *Texans-Ravens (✅): Why of course the Ravens wait to implode until the Bengals are too broken to respond. *Raiders-Colts (✅): I was literally just thinking that the Raiders won't as ungodly awful this year lol *Cowboys-Jets (✅): Dak REALLY wants to try for an MVP one more time before he inevitably gets Romo'd, huh? *Dolphins-Panthers (❌): Forget any bland jokes about how cooked the Fins are, because let's just focus on how great it is to have Hornets guy commentating NFL games now! *Buccaneers-Seahawks (❌): Imagine telling people during the original Expansion Tank Bowl of '76 that this was the type of game these two would produce 50 years later? And also that their quarterbacks in that game would have such freaking weird careers? *Titans-Cardinals (❌): Forget generational trauma, because now Zoomer Cardinals fans have their own special version of "They are who we thought they were!" *Lions-Bengals (✅): Like I said, absolutely broken. And I don't think putting an Elite arm punter behind that wet paper O-line is gonna help much. *Commanders-Chargers (❌): Damn, the Chargers aren't going to Charger early, are they? *Patriots-Bills (❌): Drake Maye have figured it out now! *Chiefs-Jaguars (❌): Jacksonville is truly the NFL's Twilight Zone. You may not lose there often as a visiting team, but if you do, it may be in a way you sure as hell won't forget. In the Chiefs' case, a pick-six and The Trip-Six that have K.C. in all the more trouble.

2025 Week 5 Picks: 5/14, or 35.7% (14.3% worse than Week 5 last year, and my worst week of picks to date 😭) 2025 Picks so far (Weeks 1-5): 55.5/78, or 71.2% (down 7.7% from last week) (Also just ignore my stats from last year besides week-by-week since I think I miscounted on some of those lol)

SortaSports: SortaPicks (slightly late) NFL Week 5 Review #nfl #nflpicks #nflpredictions #nflreview #week5 #nflweek5

*Seahawks-Cardinals (✅): The Seahawks defense went from untouchable for 55 minutes to swiss cheese for the last 5, Kyler and the Cardinals look even more unsustainable, and I still don't know what to think of this shitshow(/pos?) division going into yet another TNF division showdown. *Vikings-Steelers (❌): Damn, the Vikings really just had to have no O-line and barely much more of a QB at the worst possible time. Even when they had full potential to expose how washed Tomlin is and how bailed out he is by T.J. Watt and Pals. *Commanders-Falcons (❌): Falcons really interested in being one of those gloriously inconsistent teams that ends with a point differential of like +150 and a record of like 8-9, huh? *Saints-Bills (✅): Saints looking to be one of the most entertaining and deceptively competitive Tank Bowl champions ever, I see. *Chargers-Giants (❌): Well that sure felt like a Dart in the back. *Titans-Texans (✅): They ass indeed. *Browns-Lions (✅): Elite teasing by Cleveland early on, at least until Flacco unleashed one last beautifully Elite arm punt before looking at the flowers. *Panthers-Patriots (✅): Drake Maye not be wasted after all! (No doubt about it though, Carolina is going down in flames. Maybe Bryce will pull a Darnold and look good on a real franchise 5 years from now or something.) *Eagles-Buccaneers (✅): Falcons fans must be seething seeing how good the Eagles are at teasing epic chokes just to hold on anyway.

*Colts-Rams (✅): Well, Indy tried, but their flaws started showing badly against an actually pretty good Rams team. Now time to see if they learn not to drop the season at the 1 when trying to rebound. *Jaguars-49ers (✅): Jacksonville having a quietly solid start to the season while also toying with Purdy wasn't on my bingo card for the first month, but okay! *Ravens-Chiefs (❌): Goddamn it, they may be back. That or the Ravens are like actual trash even putting aside Lamar going down? *Bears-Raiders (✅): I really have no idea if the Bears are onto something or just coasting by on mid teams. Raiders certainly getting more antsy in their gum-chewing though. *Packers-Cowboys (😐): Welp, the Micah revenge tour quickly gave way to a beautiful mess of awful defense and blocked PAT pick-twos, and ultimately, despite the Packers' best efforts in being more indecisive than me not knowing what snack to have at 1 am, one of the best games of the year ended with a tie due to the NFL not thinking through its new OT rules with the time limit. (Hopefully the new tie emoji is good, although it honestly looks way lamer on my laptop than my phone.) *Jets-Dolphins (✅): When you make the Dolphins look so solid against you and waste Garrett Wilson like that, you really know you're cooked. (Also I really wouldn't recommend seeing that ugly Tyreek Hill injury unless you have a strong stomach. All I can say is that at least now Tyreek probably knows how he's made his exes and kids feel.) *Bengals-Broncos (✅): Well, guess it was about time the universe course-corrected and my spoiled ass got to know how a classic Bungles season felt. 2025 Week 4 Picks: 11.5/16, or 71.9% (+3.1% from Week 4 of 2024) 2025 Picks so far (Weeks 1-4): 50.5/64, or 78.9% (+18% from Weeks 1-4 of 2024)

SortaSports: SortaPicks NFL Week 4 Review #nfl #nflpicks #nflreview #nflweek4 #week4 #sortasports #sortapicks (Yes, I screenshotted on my phobe with a white background this time instead of on a black background on my laptop because my phone's 😐 emoji is that much better than my laptop's lol)