John: You're not fooling me, that's a gnome. It's a really shitty disguise, but I know a gnome when I see one.
#GemsFromJohn #ShitMyHusbandSays
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#shitmyhusbandsays
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"I can't wait to have your butt in my ass" -Actual quote from my husband.
#nsfw #nsfwsky #quotes #shitmyhusbandsays
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Honey, this is romance. How are you not getting that? I'm putting it on pretty good. #heactuallysaidthat #shitmyhusbandsays
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Would you fart on my weiner please? I think that would be fun. #heactuallysaidthat #shitmyhusbandsays
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Karl Urban as Bones in Star Trek Beyond: “To perfect eyesight and a full head of hair.” *clinks glasses*
Hubs: “Fuckers.”
#shitmyhusbandsays
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Highlander is just straight Interview with a Vampire #shitmyhusbandsays
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*Having coffee in the car*
John: Would you like some of my Costa Rica?
Me: No you put Splenda in it, it's tainted.
John: Excuse me, I put Equal in it because I'm a Socialist.
#gemsfromjohn #shitmyhusbandsays
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Me: Baby, will you turn on the TV please?
John: *at the TV* Hey baby, how's it going?...Was that too much?
#GemsFromJohn #ShitMyHusbandSays
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#shitmyhusbandsays Does this smell like chloroform?
#nocontext #authorlife
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"I hate this '80s Match Game. It sucks dick." #shitmyhusbandsays
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"Oh, I've seen some amazing sandcastles." #shitmyhusbandsays
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#shitmyhusbandsays you were born a white male, you ARE the Rolls Royce
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"It's only cold if you go outside" #ShitMyHusbandSays
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Going to start sharing #ShitMyHusbandSays again. But gotta start with some of the classics:
So we get in the car & I see socks. Why are there socks in the car? husband: well, it was my normal time to take off my socks ...
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Husband is calling a knock off go pro a get gud
#shitmyhusbandsays
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“Why me God? It’s not Margaret.”
- @unemployed-friend.bsky.social
#ShitMyHusbandSays
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Ryan: (pulling a ball of lint from his laundry in the basket)
"oh no, lint monster, held together by the most tenacious substance of them all... Your hair."
Sara: (amused and delighted) "aww, thank you honey"
#marriagestories #shitmyhusbandsays
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"I'll miss you when they put you in a labor camp." #shitmyhusbandsays
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“Fermented foods should not be good for you, if you think about it”
#shitmyhusbandsays
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*Once again, while high*
Me: What day of the week was 9/11? Tuesday?
John: It seems like the kind of thing to happen on a Tuesday.
#GemsFromJohn #ShitMyHusbandSays
(PS It was in fact a Tuesday.)
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*both of us high as crap*
John: Baby, thank you for making my Fat Fuck sized hot dog pack...a family pack.
#GemsFromJohn #ShitMyHusbandSays
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“If it ain’t slut-pop or Goldfinger, I ain’t listening to it.” #shitmyhusbandsays
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“I just thought of something, a benefit to being Cybergoth.” - @mitdasein.bsky.social
“…. Okay?” - me
“If you wanted to go clubbing but were concerned about Covid, you could just wear a gas mask.”
“… *blink* …”
#ShitMyHusbandSays
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Mr N: “What I want is the canonical version of classic music. Like the one that you hear on an ad.”
Me: “You know music is written down on paper, right? And every orchestra can just play the same thing.”
Mr N: “I don’t want cover versions.”
#shitmyhusbandsays
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‘That goalie couldn’t look more Belgian if he’d been drawn by Herge’ #shitmyhusbandsays
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"Don't tweet that."
#shitmyhusbandsays
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A hit song is just a meme that collects royalties. #WreckingBall #shitmyhusbandsays
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"All your ranch are belong to us." #tagline #cowboysandaliens #shitmyhusbandsays
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I *DO* give a #damn. I just don't give a #fuck. #shitmyhusbandsays
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