Daniel Paisner

@danielpaisner.bsky.social

11 hours ago

If I Made Novelty T-Shirts Ever wondered why “I’m with Stupid”? Let me explain.

"EAT SLEEP SPIN REPEAT... This is what my life has become. I am reduced to four activities, and the last one is just a demand to perform the first three again. What happened to my life?" - #JesseEisenberg
#shouts #murmurs @newyorker.com #t-shirtliterature
www.newyorker.com/magazine/202...

Funny

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2 days ago

Social-Media Advertisements vs. Reality: Postpartum-Clothes Edition Many people are eager to warn you of the body horrors caused by pregnancy, but no one tells you what’s going to happen in the months (maybe years?!) after birth.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor #/ #Sketchbook

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Funny

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4 days ago

How to Be Deep in a Marketable Way Post vague quotes about self-realization that are universal, but ultimately mean nothing. For instance, “Follow your own light,” with a picture of you holding an unlit match.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 week ago

Dear Pepper: Are You There Husband? It’s Me, Wife Over the years, I’ve begun to feel like a piece of furniture.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs

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Funny

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1 week ago

Operation Name That Excursion! Operation Trump: The War, Operation Gulf War III, Operation Venezuela 2: Atomic Boogaloo, and other runners-up.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 week ago

Operation Name That Excursion! Operation Trump: The War, Operation Gulf War III, Operation Venezuela 2: Atomic Boogaloo, and other runners-up.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 week ago

The Text of E-mails from My Accountant vs. the Subtext Hi, your dad’s friend Bill here. Neither your father, nor I, knowing very little about you, have any confidence that you can be expected to handle filing your taxes by yourself.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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2 weeks ago

Poems Dictated to My Phone, Mostly While Waiting in My Car My thirteen-year-old daughter needed a dress for a wedding, so we went to Aritzia in the Short Hills mall.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs

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Funny

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2 weeks ago

The Trad-est Wife I decided I would give my children a traditional spin on Pop-Tarts. I started with the first step of any traditional recipe: screaming.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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2 weeks ago

Probability Calculator: Chances That Your Friend Bails Tonight “I’ll most likely be able to get there a little after 8!” = Bring granola bars. You’ll eat your first bite of dinner at 9:17 P.M.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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3 weeks ago

Clickbait, Decoded “I Turned $10 Into $1,000,000 in One Week—Here’s How!” What it actually means: I very slowly added five zeroes and two commas.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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3 weeks ago

A Birthday-Gift Guide by Your Most Absent Aunt It totally screams “Maya,” because she’s within driving distance, last I heard, so I probably won’t have to pay for shipping.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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4 weeks ago

I Asked ChatGPT and This Is What It Said It’s so important to care about your health, and you’re so clever to check!

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs

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Funny

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1 month ago

Honest Eyelash-Curler Reviews Dang, no lashes left behind with this curler. It even reaches those tiny corner lashes. Lifts, separates—the works. Also, the first time I used this curler, I saw God.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 month ago

Baking Cookies as a Modern Human Hold up . . . do you even own an oven mitt?

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor #/ #Sketchbook

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Funny

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1 month ago

Finishing School: The Moby-Dick Club This year marks the hundred-and-seventy-fifth anniversary, or demisemiseptcentennial, of “Moby-Dick,” originally published in 1851. (Saving you the math.) Is it O.K. to have a “Moby-Dick” T-shirt for every day of the week?

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 month ago

More Places Microplastics Can Be Found In a funk: They couldn’t help but notice that the over-all vibe of the online chatter was negative.

#Humor #Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs

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Funny

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1 month ago

Our Company’s New Team Support Space Please see the employee-efficiency team if you would like to schedule an organizational-issue repair conversation, as those are best done in private and not in the team support space.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 month ago

Is This Waymo a Better Person Than You? What about the time it parked perfectly between two lines on the first try, despite you having spent your entire life contorting to fit in—socially, emotionally, and physically?

#Humor #Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs

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Funny

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1 month ago

What Is Love? My parents never said “I love you” to me when I was growing up.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor #/ #Sketchbook

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Funny

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1 month ago

What Is Love? My parents never said “I love you” to me when I was growing up.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor #/ #Sketchbook

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Funny

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1 month ago

Why You’re Considered Attractive If you are deemed attractive while sitting on the toilet, call the police. You are being spied on by a pervert. It might be time to plaster over the peephole in your bathroom wall.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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1 month ago

What to Do When Your Spouse Doesn’t Notice You’re Down Make noise. A lot of noise. Imagine you’ve just encountered a bear.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor #/ #Sketchbook

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Funny

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1 month ago

How to Break Up with Your Phone He knows your rhythms, your insecurities, your REM cycle—your cycle. He’s made himself needed, and now you don’t exist without one another.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs

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Funny

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2 months ago

Discovering Where Your Interests Lie Your interest in baking is a lie, although your interest in baked goods remains very much true.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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2 months ago

Why Shouldn’t We Let Demons Do Homework? Using a demon is not cheating. Cheating is pawning off somebody else’s work as your own. A demon is not “somebody.” A demon is a being of pure malice.

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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Funny

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2 months ago

National Security Begins Behind the Toaster I’m not saying that the apartment’s a hotbed of narcotic activity, but does anybody need that many plastic baggies for sandwiches?

#Humor #/ #Shouts #& #Murmurs #Humor

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