The grocery store had a sign that said “Free Fish!” but I wasn’t excited…

I knew there would be a catch.

#Dadjoke #Joke

My son told me he threw a ball over 100 yards for our dog to catch.

I said that's far fetched.

#Dadjoke #Joke

Just got Gucci tattooed on my balls.

Looks like the wife will get her designer bag after all.

#Dadjoke #Joke

What do you call a flock of sheep falling down a hill?

A lamb-slide

#Dadjoke #Joke

My wife texted me while I was at the store: please don’t forget to pick up some feminine products, it’s urgent! I wrote back, “No problemo!”

Honestly, it caught me off guard how pissed she was when I came home with flowers, lip gloss, scented candles, and a romance novel.

#Dadjoke #Joke

A square, a triangle and a rectangle walk into a bar...

Bartender says "looks like you guys could use a round!"

#Dadjoke #Joke

What do you call a ghost that haunts a chicken coop?

A poultrygeist

#Dadjoke #Joke

I used to have a coworker who was really good at Excel, but unfortunately, always gossiped about everyone else.

She really loved to spreadsheet.

#Dadjoke #Joke

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What can I get for you?”

“Pop” goes the weasel.

#Dadjoke #Joke

My ex wife used to hit me with stringed instruments.

If only I had known she had a history of violins.

#Dadjoke #Joke

My girlfriend crashed the car again today.

She told the police that the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said "Mam, he can do what he likes in his own living room."

#Dadjoke #Joke

What letter keeps a Pirate calm?

P, without it they become irate.

#Dadjoke #Joke

Danny almost lost a chess game and got so mad he flipped the table.

Now the tables have turned.

#Dadjoke #Joke

The Cop said, "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

I said, "Wait! I can explain everything!"

#Dadjoke #Joke

What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork chop!

#Dadjoke #Joke

I just had an officer at my door saying he was looking for a guy with one eye.

I told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

#Dadjoke #Joke

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

All the fans left!

#Dadjoke #Joke

I reversed into a car in the supermarket carpark, a very irritable dwarf jumped out and said; "I'm not happy!"

I replied, “Which one are you then?"

#Dadjoke #Joke

A waitress asked me if I wanna box for my leftovers.

We went 3 rounds before she knocked me out.

#Dadjoke #Joke

I heard the more colorful your salad, the better it is for you.

So I replaced my croutons with Skittles.

#Dadjoke #Joke

Aladdin has been banned from the upcoming Magic Carpet Race.

He tested positive for using performance enhancing rugs.

#Dadjoke #Joke

I once asked for a Rum and Coke, and the bartender said "Is Pepsi ok?”

I sad: "No, I'd definitely prefer Rum."

#Dadjoke #Joke

My wife gave me an envelope with, “Not to be opened until 2027” on it.

Inside was a list of reasons I cannot be trusted to follow simple instructions.

#Dadjoke #Joke

My anatomy class had to assemble a human skeleton, and I hid one of the arm bones as a joke.

No one found that humerus.

#Dadjoke #Joke

BREAKING:

Taylor and Travis's engagement has been called off.

A video review showed that Travis's knee never actually touched the ground. The ruling on the field is reversed.

#Dadjoke #Joke

Why do vampires avoid high-level corporate jobs?

They're afraid of stakeholders.

#Dadjoke #Joke

Every time I try to order corn online…

It’s out of stalk!

#Dadjoke #Joke

I saw a 65 year old man driving to work when a wheel fell off his car.

That was the day he decided to retire.

#Dadjoke #Joke

I accidentally swallowed some food colouring.

The doctor says I’m okay but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

#Dadjoke #Joke

I told my wife: "Your underwear is way too tight."

She said, "Then wear your own."

#Dadjoke #Joke