#LunchPun #mondaymirth Scientists invented an AI automaton that can keep between 4 or 5 balls in the air at the same time in perpetual motion. It’s tricky for the organisers as everyone across the country wants to see it, so it’s a constant juggling act.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I work for a company that makes “happy” sanitising finger and palm products. We’ve just released our new one and people are rubbing their hands with Glee.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday Last night, I was unsure if I should have a Thai meal fried in oil or a heavily spiced Indian dish. I didn’t know if I was Cumin or Goreng.

#LunchPun #badjokefriday My friend and his wife had to get pregnant using IVF. His wife wanted a boy who could become a sailor so they used a nice Navy donor and were impressed by the Able Siemen.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday There were problems at the nuclear reactor near me last week. One brave soul ran in and rescued a couple of workers, at great risk to himself. People still talk about him in glowing terms.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit I was reminiscing with old police colleagues and remembered when I got called to a job where a man had a cucumber stuck well and truly inside his back passage. It wasn’t my funniest story, but it was right up there.

#LunchPun The latest diet fad is to sprinkle iron filings from aircraft onto your breakfast serial. Some people like it: I think it’s a bit plane.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Apple has invented replacement testicles with built in WiFi to enhance your phone’s performance and visibility. Sales of Iballs are booming.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday I’ve got a friend whose stage act is to totally cover himself in ice shavings and sing out of his belly button. He is billed as the Abdominal Showman.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday When the Artemis II crew landed on the rescue ship, they were presented by the Captain with a miniature wooden English country style model and the words “That’s one small step”.

#LunchPun my Irish friend, Michael has set up a new text system for phones and it keeps delivering conflicting chats to the wrong people, which creates a misunderstanding. I’m getting Mick’s messages.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday I once attended the alley at the back of some houses and found a dead tramp surrounded by used, ripped-open tea bags.There were also traces of the stuff in his mouth and I concluded that he had died of a dregs overdose.

#LunchPun Went to a new fusion Italian restaurant where they make you model cars out of pasta. Mine turned up and it was covered in sunken, hollow depressions. When I complained because the meal was chewy and unattractive, I was told I had ordered “all denty”.

#LunchPun I was at the cinema and noticed that the new AI ‘talking exit’ sign kept turning itself on and off and shouting abuse. I mentioned it to the chap on duty and he said “it’s out of order and on the way out”.

#LunchPun I went to a nudist only furniture store earlier and, having taken my clothes off, noticed a lovely shiny sofa. There appeared to be a bit of a wet mark so I said “Satin?”. The assistant said “No, it’s leather and only just been put on display”

#LunchPun #sillysaturday After a car crash, I once arrested a driver who was the worse for wear and claimed to have been thinking about differential calculus for his role as a mathematician. I had to arrest him for drinking and deriving.

#LunchPun my friend invents medicine, but his latest creation caused uncontrollable flatulence in the recipients. He is currently trialling a new drug and is gusting a butt to find a cure.

#LunchPun #badjokethursday Archaeologists are incredibly excited as they seem to have found evidence of large-scale, prehistoric chest surgery. They plan to create a visitor attraction and call it Thoracic Park.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit Just heard that the Americans want a famous British chemist shop situated where they plan to land in Iran. Apparently they are very keen to see Boots on the ground.

Are you sure it wasn’t a strange Tern?

#LunchPun I once arrested a fishmonger for animal cruelty. He used to sing rock and roll songs in a white suit with flared arms and trousers, and would pull live eels and herbs from his pockets. He was an Elvers Parsley tribute act.

#LunchPun As a police officer I was trained to study body language and nonverbal cues. I could tell, just by looking at some people that they were incredibly judgemental.

Donalde of Trump showing his sycophantic followers how he can hold back “what many people have said is the biggliest tide anyone’s ever seen”. When it didn’t work, he said that he’d never said that and it had been made up by the ‘fake news’.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday Yesterday, I was given the task of judging the town’s annual 'who can come up with the best piece of food’ costume. A woman had gone to great pains to knit a slice of bread, which she wore. She won and then we all toasted her.

#LunchPun #sillysaturday I’m currently in a play where my minor character is a Mallard dressed up in brightly coloured nylon and spandex and I’ don’t really have much to do.
How’s it going?
I feel like a lameè duck.

#LunchPun Local residents where I live are annoyed that planning permission has been granted for a nudist camp, especially as there are so many children nearby. As a result, a secret community meeting has been arranged behind clothed doors.

#LunchPun #wednesdaywit My Pet moggy was stolen and killed. The body was incinerated and the ashes turned into a trendy, injectable drug. The police told me that sales of cat’o’mine were soaring.

#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters A couple of years ago I went to see the singer, Sly Stone and his band recording a new album. To be honest they all looked related.
“It’s true what they say then?”
“What is?”
“It’s a family off air”.

#LunchPun #mondaymirth Scientists have discovered that the green stuff floating on the top of ponds and rivers gives off a musical beat and sound. They are getting really excited about the potential algae rythms.

#LunchPun #sidesplittingsunday My friend, who wants to make it big in showbiz, has started performing, dressed as a woman in a hemp dress. Some say it’s a gateway drag.