#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters A couple of years ago I went to see the singer, Sly Stone and his band recording a new album. To be honest they all looked related.
“It’s true what they say then?”
“What is?”
“It’s a family off air”.
#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Yesterday I met the man whose great grandad invented the urinal. People initially thought it was a daft idea, but he stood by his creation.
#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters Yesterday I saw a baby leveret being chastised by its mother as it was acting like a spoilt brat. It got annoyed about the rough hay that lined the burrow and was acting like a hare with a straw bed.
#lunchpun #tuesdaytitters My mate is from Yorkshire and used to be a police radio operator. He retired early to run a market stall selling nothing but eggs in York City Centre and called his little company ‘Ova and Nowt’.
#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I was part of a 3-man stunt-double team for a famous actor and we all came from a big north-west city.
One day, the other two got injured so I had to play the actor doing something dangerous as I was the last Manc stand in.
#lunchpun #tuesdaytitters I run a radio station which only has phone-ins for people in hot countries, to help them maintain and repair their ceiling fans.
We get a lot of ‘thank you’ letters at the BBC Whirled Service.
#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I have landed a job installing entrances and exits for the refurbishment of the M15 building in London. What I’m doing is so secret that I can’t tell you the ins and outs.
#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters The rock band, Ultavox have diversified into cheese making as the year’s have gone by. Their most famous product is the extra Midge Ure cheddar.
#LunchPun #tuesdaytitters I went to a fancy dress party at the weekend wearing a pair of glasses made from two CDs. I was asked what I had come as and I said it was disk-eyes.
#humour #funny #jokes #tuesdaytitters
The General Synod of the Church
of England have booked their Christmas
entertainment: a Monkees tribute band -
'I'm a Believer'.
I asked my mate if he'd ever seen a a camel toe.
He said yes, he'd once broken down near Jeddah.
#TuesdayTitters
I’m currently renting a flat from Englebert Humperdink and the tenancy is coming to an end, so I called him and said ‘please re lease me’.
#TuesdayTitters
My kids refused to eat leftover pizza for dinner, so my wife said to throw them out so I did..
now I have no idea what to do with the pizza.
#TuesdayTitters
Last night in bed I was pulling off my boxers..
My wife said "you spoil those dogs."
I’ll see myself out!!
#TuesdayTitters
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!! BREATHEEEE!!!!!!!!
#TuesdayTitters
At the last supper Jesus lifted the bread and said "This is my body!”
He then lifted the wine and said "This is my blood!"
He then lifted the mayonnaise & Peter said "Stop!! That's enough!!”
#TuesdayTitters
I went to the Dentist today;
Dentist: This could hurt a bit.
Me: No problem.
Dentist: I’m having an affair with your Wife.
#TuesdayTitters
Did you hear about the explosion at the soap factory..
Heads and shoulders went everywhere.
#TuesdayTitters
One of the reasons I left Twitter was how horrible they treated dyslexics..
Cupid stunts!
#TuesdayTitters
