Newcastle council are rumoured to be launching their own online assistant powered by artificial intelligence.

"Why AI" comes online on May 1st.

#LunchPun

-"I'm a bit apprehensive about going on holiday to meet that new girl i was telling you about."

-"Week at Denise?"

-"More butterflies in my tummy."

#LunchPun

-"Have you heard the terrible cover version of "In the air tonight" using native Australian instruments going around?"

-"Dodgy redo?"

-"Yeah and those clicky stick things are no substitute for the drums either!"
#Lunchpun

Mr Strawberry applied for divorce from Mrs Strawberry when he caught her blowing raspberries.

#LunchPun

Everyone says i'm lazy so I've started weightlifting.

It's going really well, my personal trainer is raising the bar every week.

#LunchPun

Wife: "Have you seen my coat?"
Me: "Have you tried the car boot?"
Wife: "good idea!"

<3 hours later>

Wife: "I'm back. I've found a coat, a brand new 2 in 1 brush and hair dryer, 3 ornaments and a set of left handed golf clubs for 50 quid. Bargain."

#Lunchpun

A random pole has appeared in my garden overnight.

I think he is lost. Nice guy, though is Miroslav.

#Lunchpun

My wife has been doing a lot of miles recently.

Miles is our window cleaner.

#LunchPun

I went to the training centre of ice hockey referees yesterday in New York.

It was the umpire skate building.

#Lunchpun

My is boasting that he can throw an egg higher than me.

Well, the yolk's on him.

#Lunchpun

Gaffer tape: works on bosses.

#LumchPun

I thought about setting up a spring water company, but I ended up bottling it.

#LunchPun

Churches always have a roof repair fund because they are holey.

#Lunchpun

I insisted my wife not let her unhealthy obsession with Henry VIII affect our daughter.

So far, so good.

Amber Lynn turns 2 next week.

#LunchPun

When i worked in IT for prison, we removed all the escape keys. Any time you pressed Enter, you had to verify your id, and all the windows on the screen had bars on.

#LunchPun

Graham Hatter is a clever bloke.

#Lunchpun

Viagra are attempting to get into local politics by sponsoring buy erections.

#Lunchpun

-"Hi, i'm new, can you direct me to the cafeteria?"

-"First day?"

-"Parched, I was rushing this morning and didn't get my morning coffee"

#Lunchpun

-"Sorry, can't hang about, I need to get to the barbers to get my face trimmed."

-"Moustache?"

-"Yes, my appointment is in 5 minutes and it's a 6 minute walk"

#Lunchpun

I could talk about how much I hate being nicknamed "Papa Smurf" until i'm blue in the face.

#Lunchpun

-"On our honeymoon, our Amsterdam hotel provided free "muffins" amongst other amenities."

-"WiFi?"

-"As a kite, she ate about 4 of them as soon as we got into the room"

#LunchPun

A man landed on the pitch during football league match after a parachuting mishap yesterday.

He got booked for descent.

#Lunchpun

When you buy drawing pins, does the price include thumb tax?

#LunchPun

A man has been fired from a well known fragrance company after being caught swimming in a vat of perfume.

A disciplinary panel concluded he was guilty of being in a scent.

#LunchPun

Disappointed in the women's curling coverage. Just a bunch of girls doing their hair.

#Lunchpun

I like to go to fancy dress parties dressed as an enormous pair of glasses.

My wife says i'm always making a spectacle of myself.

#LunchPun

On a scale of one to ten, I can't weigh myself.

#Lunchpun

-"See that ugly guy there, i think he works in the local church"

-"The guy with no arms? Are you sure?

-"Well his face certainly rings a bell"

#Lunchpun

My favourite TV channel is dedicated to wildlife shows featuring tall animals.

It's National giraffic.

#Lunchpun

"I had to rush into a luxury car showroom to find a toilet for my 3 year old."

"Ferrari?"

"No, he needed a massive dump"

#Lunchpun