Balloon animals I can make:

Worm

Snake

Eel

#joke #rated-g #talented

I hate when people ask what I bring to the table.

I bring sarcasm and anxiety.

What else do you need?

#joke #facts

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

#joke #quietones

I’m the quiet neighbor with the big freezer.

#joke #sizematters

I'm known around the office as "The Computer" because I go to sleep if left unattended for 10 minutes.

#joke #pun #punday

What does a turkey with a limp sound like?

Wobble Wobble

#joke #pun #punday

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese but it’s only mild.

#joke #pun #punday

When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked!!

#joke #puns #punday

So, I bought some new fluorescent pens today. It was the highlight of my week.

#joke #puns #punday

Remember today is Punday.

Stay tuned for something punny.

#punday

Go home, Monday! No one likes you!

#joke #monday #amIGarfield

I should be ashamed of myself. Let’s be clear, I’m not. But I should be.

#joke #facts #shameless

If I’m ever on life support:

Unplug me. 

Then plug me back in. See if that works.

#joke #ctrlaltdel #stayawayfromthelight

I love sleeping.

It’s like being dead without the commitment.

#joke #sleep #goodinbed

You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating?

After 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as “motive”.

Side note: I need a lawyer
#joke #reallyJustAJoke

I despise haikus.
I’m court ordered to do them. To ‘learn tolerance.’

#joke #haiku #poetic

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

#joke #insertHashTag

In Alcohol’s defense, I have done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too.

#Joke #AA #YOLO

Too old for Snapchat,
too young for Life Alert.

#joke #jokes #helpivefallen

There may be a video of me eating Parkay and Himalayan salt

I know my dog loves me, but if I had a squeaker in me, she'd gut me like a fish.

#joke #dogs #humanchewtoy

I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying that nobody has ever seen me and Batman in a room together.

#joke #batman #thedorknight

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

#joke #hashtag

If you stay angry at someone, it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

What I’m trying to say is, poison the person that made you angry.

Also, I need a lawyer.

#joke #jokes #funny

Is it just me or does nobody go missing in the Bermuda Triangle anymore?

#showerthoughts #funny #notfunny?

I still enjoy playing with dolls…

They’re now voodoo dolls, but still.

#jokes #joke #funny

If you only vacuum the living room, your guests will assume you vacuumed the whole house.

Follow me for more #lifehacks

#Jokes #Joke #Funny #WellTryingToBeFunny

I hate when I’m trying to stalk someone and accidentally hit the follow button.

Mission accomplished

"Whiskey, Rum, Vodka!"

-Me, calling the shots.