I would either a) not make gluten-free shortcrust or b) go full #DirtyChefTricks and add xantham gum.

today's absolute filthy #DirtyChefTricks is how to make a French-style omelette without a frying pan.

Whisk three eggs, pour them into a pot of boiling water, yes it's a mess, poach for 2-3 minutes, drain through a sieve, empty into a tea towel, shape, butter-glaze, top with chives.

Boom.

You can check the #dirtycheftricks tag for exactly how horrifying it’ll be.

I used to do a lot of those but I'm doing tech work again and have little time.

Some of my filthiest tricks can be found under the #DirtyChefTricks hashtag.

I deliberately avoided the #DirtyChefTricks hashtag for a good reason.

I’ll recipe out the crispy pancakes if you like, it is some proper #DirtyChefTricks stuff.

honestly, it took kitchens for me. You can't speed run food. Of course there are things you can do to put it together faster but all of these require extensive prep and often research.

I try to pass those on with the #DirtyChefTricks hashtag but remember, I had to research all of them physically.

so do I and often need to start up to two hours beforehand

#VacuumPacking, #Compression and assorted #DirtyChefTricks

you can defeat this by adding potato flour, btw. Works on rye too. #DirtyChefTricks

A really good sablé is a thing of exquisite beauty. Yes, it's hard to work and it shatters a lot which is why the supermarkets and Mr fucking Kipling don't go there but you should really try it.

And if you can't try it then try using a bag of crumble mix as your base #DirtyChefTricks

Smiths Salt'n'Shake Crisps

just saw somebody raving about using thin-cut fried potatoes for a tortilla de patatas instead of confit, and you already know what I'm thinking #DirtyChefTricks

looking down my list of food-van items and the way they're prepared - almost entirely without #DirtyChefTricks - it occurs to me that rather than town centres or B&Q, what I should probably be aiming for is Waitrose Car Park.

It's not actually that cunty/high-end, honest.

some of the Korean varieties you can pick up in B&M are actually REALLY GOOD as well as cheaper than a pot noodle and twice the bloody size.

But I have just thought of a Pot Noodle #DirtyChefTricks recipe so I'll do that in the week sometime.

friends fear he has made Too Much Fresh Tagliatelle

Oh well, time to find out if it'll vacuum pack!

(I will also be dusting it with potato flour first to prevent it sticking together; this is what the supermarkets do to pre-grated cheese for this very reason, there's a #DirtyChefTricks for ya).

Gratinée des halles – French onion soup, presented very nicely with large cheese croutons

haven't done a #DirtyChefTricks for a while and I just read this, so...

"The secret, as you'll see in this version from Martin Wishart, is getting a good colour on the onions in the first stage of cooking, so they develop a full-bodied flavour – be prepared for patient stirring."

OR....

might as well recipe this since I'm bored and hungry.

1lb beef mince (12% fat)
1lb pork mince (20% fat)
0.5lb soffritto
1.5 pints beef stock
1 full bottle Valpolicella
dried parsley, basil and oregano
salt, pepper.

And #DirtyChefTricks, just a _pinch_ of MSG.

Sainsbury’s cheapo microwave rice

We talked about the health risks of keeping cooked rice earlier but for fried rice you need to cook your rice and then spread on a baking sheet and leave it uncovered all night in the fridge.

OR

You could spend 49p at Sainsbury’s on one of these and fry it straight from the bag

#DirtyChefTricks

bought Kneed To Know (a history of breadmaking) by @neilbuttery.bsky.social and it's very good so far. Fascinating stuff.

In other news, still unwell but sort of fancy a kebab tonight. Fortunately due to the magic of #DirtyChefTricks I don't have to decide until an hour before I make it. Or not.

this is not #DirtyChefTricks, it's a public safety tip.

You'll have noticed from photos of my kitchen that I keep roughly a million clean tea towels folded on top of the microwave. 1 they're incredibly handy. 2 whenever I leave a hot pan out, I put a tea towel on the handle.

It's a warning.

there should hopefully be no yellow wobbly parts because ( #DirtyChefTricks ) I fried all the veg in butter which means it retains texture and doesn't dissolve. Except the cabbage, which is there for thickening so I definitely wanted that to dissolve.

#DirtyChefTricks - don’t cut pastry lattices. Cut strips and pinch them together underneath. Nobody will ever know.

I wasted a #DirtyChefTricks there, didn't I?

You can vacuum pack any proteins, even cooked ones, freeze them and they do not degrade or suffer freezer burn.

Also, if you vac pack and freeze an uncooked steak - chuck it straight into your water bath* at 57^C and add an hour to the cook time. Done.

Reupping this #DirtyChefTricks because I can't be arsed today and frankly I feel it deserves a lot more love than it got. Thin this with water slightly and you've got a perfect mousse that's 0-fat, 0-sugar, high protein and even bloody vegan, what more do you want from me.

I'm tired, here's a #DirtyChefTricks for perfect Yorkshire puddings and/or Toad-in-the-hole.

Normally I always measure in grammes (or by eye because fuckit) and despise volumetric measurements but batter is equal volumes of (sifted) plain flour, eggs and milk. And get the oil smoking hot.

Volumes.

The only other #DirtyChefTricks thing I want to say about sous vide is that it’s not special, you can do it in your slow cooker and I personally do, whenever I’m not using the damn thing as a proving chamber for bread.

So, since I’m going to be proper busy tomorrow, first trialling and then refining a new recipe, I’d better do tomorrow’s #DirtyChefTricks right now.

Let’s talk about sous vide.

Okay, you know what it is. You put stuff in a vacuum packed bag and keep it water at a fixed temperature. But…

You do realise (given the existence of #DirtyChefTricks) that I 100% will use the knowledge for evil?

#DirtyChefTricks, still on a bit of a patisserie kick and I'm baking croissants all week. There are no shortcuts or tricks for croissants that work. Sorry.

But I wanted to talk about something else, it's autumn, there's apples and blackberries, you want crumble, right?

Well then, read on.

bamboo barbecue skewers

do I really have to do #DirtyChefTricks on a Monday?

Fine. Have an all-round genius bit of kitchen equipment. It can cook food, light fires, test cakes, properly clean the bits of surfaces you animals don't clean AND get interfering gawkers of your bloody kitchen.

Dirt cheap, too.

Ripe hazelnuts on the tree, displaying leaf shape and the exact appearance of the nut stems

Sunday, #DirtyChefTricks and #ForagingWanker crossover time. The hazelnuts ripen in the first two weeks of September!

And if you grind them fine, add some golden syrup and melted butter and slowly stir in cocoa powder, you can make your own Nutella.