"My annual review also requires me to write up my accomplishments in detail and submit them two weeks before the review. This involves searching four different places to find the correct information on how to submit the document."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"It is with an uneasy mixture of consternation and lust that we received, via Instagram, your latest thirst trap."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"CAPTCHAs help separate bots from humans. But what if you only want your content to be seen by humans in their 30s with passions for subway tile and posting JLaw reaction GIFs in Slack? For this purpose, we have created the Millennial CAPTCHA."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"Do you know how many meanings words have in English? It’s not one of those hyper-precise languages like German where you can keep clumping words together." #McSweeneysTop24of24
"The document won’t open? I’m not sure how I could make this any easier. Okay, I reset the document permissions, but you’ll need to sign into the email document_view@busycompany.org via the password I texted you via iMessage." #McSweeneysTop24of24
"Under my leadership, we have instituted an assessment program where we assess how we assess what we already assessed, using learning outcomes that include all of the buzzwords someone in admin told us were important."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"Am I depressed because my periods are ending, or did my boss use my emails to train my AI replacement and then fire me with no severance the day before I was supposed to have spleen surgery?"
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"Remember how you told me that your childhood crush was Laura Ingalls Wilder? And that you think America is in the toilet? Well, you’re about to have all your home-churned-butter dreams come true because I’ve become a tradwife."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
CHILD: You’re a manipulative, toxic narcissist!
PARENT: Me? How?
CHILD: Ah! See? Gaslighting!
PARENT: I feel like you’ve learned some new words at school, and now you’re just cycling through them without any context or evidence.
#McSweeneysTop24of24
“No matter how much your idea wiggles and bucks, I’m holding on for dear life to say that…”
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"Write down the most common intrusive thought that keeps you up at night, but don’t include your name. Then choose a table leader to read each thought aloud and take turns guessing the author."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"The arc of the moral universe is running very late. It’s sitting in standstill traffic behind a fleet of Amazon delivery vans, a burning Tesla, and a stretch limousine with Truck Nuts." #McSweeneysTop24of24
"Take a moment to celebrate yourselves. You crushed it. You’ve helped us grow so much that the only possible way for you to continue to help us grow is by no longer working here."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"You flew to thirteen wellness retreats, but you could never outrun your demons."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
Q: Will it steal jobs?
A: GPT-5 is unlikely to destabilize the job market, as it is overqualified for most positions while at the same time lacking any marketable skills.
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"Mark is six inches taller than Evelyn, who is two inches shorter than the math teacher. How many inches would the math teacher need to grow for him to be taller than Mark?" #McSweeneysTop24of24
"Maybe Kamala should have explained the merits of Bidenomics better, or gone on Joe Rogan, or done one other thing that would have convinced me to vote for her over a climate denier who's going to put a vaccine denier in charge of healthcare." #McSweeneysTop24of24
"It wasn't an easy decision, but once Brad talked to the architect, it made sense to go with five stories, nine bedrooms, eleven bathrooms, and a six-car garage with a glass door that reflects the setting sun like the Eye of Sauron." #McSweeneysTop24of24
"We stand firmly by our belief that it’s more important for the press to maintain a hollow facade of impartiality than to risk seeming too biased against planet annihilation."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"So Beowulf becomes king, and by the time he’s a silver fox, a dragon starts spitting flames all over the kingdom. Big yikes. Beowulf and his crew try to k*ll the dragon, but fire breath hits different, and they take an L." #McSweeneysTop24of24
"The more you try to diminish me, the brighter my flashlight will accidentally shine."
#McSweeneysTop24of24
"At our core, we are devoted to learning. Specifically, we want to learn how to extract as much value as possible from everyone and everything we interact with." #McSweeneysTop24of24
