A lion would never drive under the influence.
But a Tiger Wood.
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Advertisement Β· 728 Γ 90
Q: What is Forrest Gump's password?
A: 1forest1
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I invented a thought controlled air freshener. People say itβs ridiculous, but it makes scents when you think about it.
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"How do I make it stop"
"Use the 'king brakes"
"They made special ones just for me?"
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I say I say I say, why do Martian women have big ears? Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom! #oldjokeshome
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No, it's Jonathan Ross, not Jonathan Woss.
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My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
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Q: Why donβt snowmen have children?
A: Their wives are frigid.
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Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove it wasn't a chicken.
#OldJokesHome #HappyThanksgiving
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I developed a new range of concrete birdseed. Itβs impeccable.
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I have a Polish friend whoβs a sound technician. And a Czech one too Czech one too.
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I started a new glass coffin company, hopefully itβs successful. Remains to be seen.
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I hope to die like my uncle, peacefully in his sleep. And not like all his screaming passengers.
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Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breathe through that thing?
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Policeman knocked at my door late last night and showed me a picture of my wife and asked me to confirm her identity.
βThatβs her, is she ok?β βWell sir, very sorry to say this, but it looks like sheβs been run over by a truckβ
βYeah I know, but sheβs great with the kids!β
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Q: What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
A: Open toad.
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My cousin told me that he wants to study burrowing rodents. I told him to gopher it.
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Q: What does the horny frog say?
A: Rubbit.
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Countryfile has just come on BBC1. I thought the Beeb had got rid of all the countryfiles?
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Phew, they are showing the Neil Young set live... For a minute there I thought the local pet shop was on fire.
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I like my women like I like my wine.
Cheap, sticky and frequent found on the floor after a party. #oldjokeshome
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Q: Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?
A: So they can Scandinavian.
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Q: What do you call a hippyβs wife?
A: Mississippi.
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In a few days, you too will be able to legitimately walk into hmv and ask if they've got anything new by the Doors. #oldjokeshome
hmv.com/store/film-t...
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My wife just asked me where I'd been for the past hour.
"Just doing what you said"
"What do you mean?"
"You told me I should give the driver Β£20 and fuck the rest of them"
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Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
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Sir Walter? Really?
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Went to the zoo yesterday and they had a ciabatta in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
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