(L): What are we having for dinner?
Me: Fish.
(T): Yay, I like eating marine life.
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(T): McDonalds hash browns are okay, but I especially like hash browns from fancy places like Waffle House.
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(T), showing me a drawing she made: It's an alien abducting a cow. Aliens always abduct cows because they really like milk and there are no cows in space, obviously.
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(T): My teacher told me that it's really important you watch this video.
Me: Oh, okay, let me see.
Video: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...
Me: ........
(T): Rickrolled!
Me: How is still a thing??
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I never realized how much energy I'd spend as a parent trying to figure out if the screaming I hear indicates happiness or distress. "I am hurt and need a bandage!" Is he bleeding profusely or playing a video game? Nobody knows. #thisisparenting #thisisten
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I explain why there is fog over relatively warm ponds in cold weather.
(T): Like how our breath is visible!
Me: Yes! Air coming from your body is very moist.
(L): All the air from our bodies? I'm going to pull down my pants and fart and yell, "Science!"
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(L): Do you think a bird could pick up my tablet and carry it away?
Me: If it were a big enough bird.
(L): You know what I'd say if that happened? TOUCAN play at that game.
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(T): I can't wrap my head around being double-digits... I just need to scream into a pillow for a minute.
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10-year-old: “When can I start going into town by myself?”
Me: “I told you, you’re not old enough for that yet. What would you want to do by yourself in town anyway??”
10-year-old: “Hold a seance at Aaron Burr’s grave!”
Me: …
Her: …
Me: “That is so…you.”
😂
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Me: “Did you end up playing that Star Wars song in band?”
10-year-old: “Yeah, we played it.”
3-year-old’s voice, from another room: “Play on, playa!” *laughs uproariously*
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Me: Remind me, I have something I want to tell you later.
10-year-old: Are you going to lean in close, pretending you have a secret, and then just sing the 1 877 Kars for Kids song?
Me: Okay, no, but to be fair that’s totally something I would do.
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Me: You don’t know everything about me! What’s my favorite TV show?
10-Year-Old: The Real Housewives!
Me: Okay, but which —
10-Year-Old: —New York City!
Me: Okay, but only—
10-Year-Old: —Only in its heyday!!
Me: I have no secrets.
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F: “There’s a play called The Vagina Monologues?! Is it about a vagina that finds its way out of the human body and makes its way in the world, but then it becomes evil and grafts itself onto someone’s face, killing the person?”
Me: “Yes. Yes it is.”
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Me: How was robotics club?
F: It was amazing!
Me: That’s great!
F: Yeah, there’s a kid there who can fart the entire alphabet on his armpit!
Me: Okay…
F: Unfortunately he says a magician never reveals his secrets.
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Me: “Are you done cleaning?”
Fiona: “Yes!”
Me, checking: “No you’re not!”
Fiona: “Oh. I thought you meant *emotionally* done.”
🤷♀️
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