Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside. Litorally. #weakendpun
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#weakendpun
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A Portuguese friend keeps getting very hot flushes when she eats spicy food. She says it’s the peri-perimenopause. #weakendpun
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I was asked to host a stand-up comedy gig and point out differences between the acts. “Compere and contrast” was the instruction. #weakendpun
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My friend asked if I knew what ‘nihility’ means. I had to admit it means nothing to me. #weakendpun
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My forehead was getting larger as my hair fell out, but now I sprinkle little pips on it and it grows back. The packet says it’s for reseeding hairlines. #weakendpun
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I went to a psychic who was way too smug when he claimed the spirits told him I need to moderate my extreme behaviours.
I decided I needed to strike a happy medium. #weakendpun
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I hear Scooby Doo held out high hopes for the downhill slalom and he would have made the podium, if it hadn’t been for those pesky medalling kids. #weakendpun
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I applied for a job as a tobacconist, but now, owing to a clerical error, I’m about to hurtle downhill in a cart on skis at the Winter Olympics #weakendpun
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I’ve invented something women can use to wash their clothes and it gives off a scent that repels unwanted male attention. I’ve called it ‘deter-gent’ #weakendpun
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When the young Hagrid was no longer allowed to be a student at Hogwarts, was he ex-spelled? #weakendpun
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My daughter told me she joined her university rowing team. I thought it was something to do with boats, but apparently it’s angry debating. #weakendpun
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Fahrenheit is so useless as a temperature scale that -459.67 degrees is also known as obsolete zero. #weakendpun
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As the executor of a deceased person’s estate I often have to send legal documents to the beneficiaries of the will by post. I find it’s best to send them by heir mail. #weakendpun
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Jesus was delighted by the first gift from the three wise men. When he got the second, he was incensed. #weakendpun
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I carefully gather my advent calendar treats into daily rations. After 10 days, I have a decoration to hang up. #weakendpun
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I got sick after eating lobster. It turned out it was past its shell-by date. #weakendpun
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I told the chancellor to pay more attention to gambling and other forms of sin tax. She nodded and said she’d take particular care over the grammatical arrangement of words in her budget speech. #weakendpun
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I saw a cat giving birth in the middle of the street. Should have been fined for dropping litter. #weakendpun
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The airport security guard suspected the man in front of me had a gun. He had a rifle in his bag. But found nothing. #weakendpun
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I realised why Glamorgan is so famous for its male voice choirs. It must be all the Barry tones.
#weakendpun
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My neighbour kept burning something strong smelling and the fumes would drift and fill my whole house. I was incensed #weakendpun
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I was going to do a comedy podcast about how to make curtains, but I didn’t have enough material. #weakendpun
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I went to see the doctor about a mole on my arm. She said, I needed a vet.
So I asked about a mole on my other arm and she recommended tortilla chips.
#weakendpun
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I used to know a good-looking Italian priest. We called him the pastor dish. #weakendpun
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I was hosting a party and lots of people praised my salsa and dips.
I’ve always been a good dancer. #weakendpun
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Is Feng shui just home-opathy? #weakendpun
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It’s ironic that the makers of Snickers bars didn’t think the old name was suitable for the long run. #weakendpun
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An American offered to upholster my sofa. When it came back he’d added pockets for guns. #weakendpun
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In my days as a circus clown, I spurned the custard to the face and created the simultaneous two-plate slap to the sides of the head.
They called me the ‘Pioneer’ clown. #weakendpun
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I had an old mattress to get rid of, so I phoned the local council’s refuse collection hotline. Sure enough, within minutes they’d refused to collect it. #weakendpun
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