I heard that the government has deployed the army to the railways in a West London district.

At Acton stations?

No, I think they're just on manoeuvres.

#Lunchpun

I take offence when people mispronounce the crossing spanning the Humber.

Umbrage?

Don't you start.

#Lunchpun

My cunning plan to build one bed on top of another has been debunked.

#Lunchpun

Joke book cover. The title is 'The best thing till sliced bread' - a compundium of jokes by Max Harvey

I have published a giant compundium of jokes!
It contains jokes from my previous mini books, plus hundreds more (about 900 in total).
Available on Kindle or in hard copy versions... amzn.eu/d/05cmv8LU

Please share if you'd be so kind...

I'm getting tired of sleeping in. #lunchpun

Not many people know that the only difference between a graveyard and a cemetery is that a cemetery must have an equal number of bodies on both sides.

#LunchPun

If someone is talking rowlocks, it's best not to stick your oar in.

#Lunchpun

I've set up a hospital for stray cats under canvas, which is a kind of vets to all in tents and poor pusses.

#Lunchpun

The climbers on my Everest expedition were split up into three gangs. Lots of people wanted to be in Gang Red and Gang Blue, not so many in Gang Green.

#Lunchpun

Every time I watch King Kong, I'm terrified he's going to plummet to the ground and squash loads of people.

Ape will fall?

No, I'm genuinely terrified.

#Lunchpun

I've finally come to the conclusion that wearing deodorant is beneficial for everyone that meets me.

Eureka!

Not any more!

#Lunchpun

I'm in the Elmdale Township looking to play the new fast paced racket sport, but I can't seem to find a court.

Looks like I'm up Schitt's Creek without a padel.

#Lunchpun

There appears to be some charred remains of an evil monster in my meal.

Ghoul ash?

No, beef stroganoff.

#Lunchpun

My mate insists on leaving his clothes in a damp wardrobe, and they're beginning to smell.

Musty?

Yes, I'm afraid he must.

#Lunchpun

When I was the boss at an engine manufacturer we had to lay a lot of workers off. I was firing on all cylinders.

#Lunchpun

This freezing cold jelly is giving me the chivers. #Lunchpun

Quite a few football stadiums have hotels onsite, like this one.

Stadia.

No, not at this one.

#Lunchpun

Trump is such a terrible President, I mean, he hasn't exactly set the world alight...

#Lunchpun

I don't like alloumi, afod or arzer, and that's why I like to drop my hate cheese.

#Lunchpun

I'm not a fan of these new ads for prosthetic arms and legs, just a bit too sublimbinal.

#Lunchpun

The chiefs at the BBC have called for the likes of Corbett and Barker to revive their comedy scene.

More Rons?

They're not the brightest, no.

#Lunchpun

When I was at med school, my tutor accidentally tried to draw blood from an artery, so I continued in a similar vein.

#Lunchpun

What noise does my dog make when it gets on a ship?

Umm, barks?

Oh ok, what noise does my dog make when it embarks on a ship?

#Lunchpun

After I finally admitted to standing on the tube of toothpaste, my wife said "Oh, it's all coming out now".

#Lunchpun

My wife has told me I need to get fitter, so I've started secretly going up into the loft to lift a heavy trunk.

Attic box exercise?

No, I really mean it this time.

#Lunchpun

I used to sing that. 😂

I was casually discussing the careers of Ronnie Corbett and Danny DeVito with my colleague when my boss came along and said enough of this small talk.

#Lunchpun

My innovative pneumatic drill design is ground breaking.

#Lunchpun

It was pouring with rain, and Johnny Nash was struggling to cross a beach infested with langoustine. When it stopped, he said...

"I can see clearly now the rain has gone, I can see all lobster claws in my way."

#Lunchpun

I've a horrible feeling our upcoming camping trip is going to be a disaster.

Portent?

Yes, it leaks when it rains.

#Lunchpun