OAPs are partying more than Gen Z, though they are disappointed that they can’t get a discount on their Magic Bus cocktail when they show their travel pass.

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OAPs are partying more than Gen Z. Heading to the bar they often order an ‘Old fashioned’ or, as they know it, ‘Something New Fangled’.

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OAPs partying is causing upset for all the bar staff as they keep going up to order but have forgotten what they came in for.

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A ‘Wolf bone’ from a Somerset cave has turned out to be Britain’s oldest dog. Scientists revealed the jawbone belonged to a collie-sized companion that lived with a clan of cannibals, and was man’s best friend – well it would be when everyone else was out to eat you.

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Former Tory justice minister Crispin Blunt used chemsex parties to inform government drug policies, a court has been told. Packing lots of people into a cramped space and screwing them also informed the government’s policy on train travel.

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NHS staff are to be given a bank holiday for the World Cup but they have been warned that the A&E ward packed with drunken, sun-burnt footie fans will still be waiting for them when they return to work.

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Former Google executive Matt Brittin has been confirmed as the BBC's new director general. With three of the last five permanent DGs having resigned following scandals, he’ll by making much use of Google’s ‘I’m Feeling Lucky’ button.

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There has been a fifty per cent rise in spying operations in the UK in the past six months, and yet they’ve still not found anything with their little eye beginning with Q.

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Social media bans, digital curfews and time limits on apps are to be trialled in the homes of hundreds of UK teenagers, but only once they’ve shown their parents how to apply them.

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Dave Grohl says he had to ‘turn everything off’ after admitting to an affair, starting, of course, with his wife.

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It has been revealed that Sarah Ferguson was in discussions to have the late Queen’s corgis cloned, attempting to go the full Jurassic Park on top of the millionaires, exotic island, and dangerous predators.

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Postal workers from across the UK have told the BBC they are being asked to move or hide mail so it looks like delivery targets are being met, in the worst behaviour by a Royal Mail since the allegations against the former Prince Andrew.

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Nigel Farage has called for all mass religious observances to be banned following objections to a Ramadan event in Trafalgar Square, meaning they will have to arrest the millions of people who see the Reform UK leader on their screens every day and call out ‘Oh God’.

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Sharks ‘have best friends and go swimming together’ according to the latest research, which was conducted by an exasperated parent hearing the family structure of Baby Shark for the one-millionth time.

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According to a new survey, mixed-breed dogs like cockapoos, labradoodles and cavapoos are more likely to display "undesirable behaviours" than their purebred parents, though the worst offender is the American Pinscher, or the President as they’re usually known.

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Staff at a restaurant in California stepped in to restrain a robot after it knocked items from a table during a dancing performance. Upon seeing the chaos, the BBC have called Karin Hauer back to Strictly Come Dancing as her replacement is clearly not ready.

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New research from Japan reveals that how you walk shows your state of mind. If you walk quickly, you are decisive. If you walk slowly, you are cautious. If you walk alongside your brothers wearing tight trousers, you’re a woman’s man, no time to talk.

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Students at a Scottish university have been asked to design a tartan to mark the 250th anniversary of the American Declaration of Independence, though the first entry of a lurid orange tartan with a fake mop of wispy hair on top was deemed far too controversial.

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Astronauts in China’s space station have successfully harvested “space tomatoes” meaning that, with the close proximity of moon cheese, the first intergalactic Pizza Hut will open next year.

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Darts World Champion Luke Littler has applied to trademark his face. That, of course, is easy. The painful part is having the letters TM tattooed on his ear.

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A Dairy has upped production of 70's staple Cottage Cheese, after social media trends caused record demand. Thanks to the war in the middle east, people are also predicting a rise in other things common in the 70's, like petrol rationing, and the three-day week

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How you walk can show your state of mind according to new research from Japan. Fear and sadness are shown through small swings of the arms, while anger and aggression have much bigger swings, usually at someone's head.

#BTNNB #BTN #BTNRejects #jokes
England have released their world cup kit, which is the most expensive ever at over £130. Many fans are prepared to pay the money, but others say they'll wait until it's out of contact and pick one up on a Bosman.

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Gen Z are connected to technology, saying it makes them feel alive. Pensioners are also connected to technology that keeps them literally alive, as it's insulin pumps, dialysis machines, and pacemakers.

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In Westminster, Chancellor Rachel Reeves promised that the most needy would get the help they needed. She then spent the rest of the afternoon dodging begging phone calls from Michelle Mone.

Former Google executive Matt Brittin has been confirmed as the BBC’s new director general. The hunt for a new DG threw up several highly experienced candidates but insiders say Brittin came top on the first page of search results. Students at a Scottish university have been asked to design a tartan to mark the 250th anniversary of the American Declaration of Independence. The current front-runner eschews the traditional colour palette in favour of a contemporary tan orange with hints of bin fire. A message in a bottle dropped from a boat off Canada has been found washed up in the north-east of Scotland. While the full contents of the message have yet to be disclosed, the finders could reveal it starts “Dear Donald” and ends with “off”. A ‘self-cleaning fabric’ could cut laundry time by 80%, say scientists in China, who have created a special coating for clothing that enables them to be cleaned using a simple rinse cycle with no detergent. The news came as no surprise to canny Glaswegians however, who said they’ve been doing laundry that way for years.

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#BreakingTheNews
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Attractions Group, Merlin, has written down the value of Madame Tussauds by £262m. The overvaluation was blamed on an error which was only discovered when the company tried to raise huge funds by selling off its stocks of ‘Ruby Wax’. #BTNNB #BTNRejects

Sharks ‘have best friends and go swimming together’. Although when I asked one who was swimming alone recently where their best friend was, it said ‘you wouldn’t know them, they’re from a different School.’ #BTNNB #BTNRejects

People in houses that use heating oil are going to extreme methods to save their supplies, such as showering at the gym, hand washing clothes, and considering turning on the immersion. #BTN #BTNNB #BTNRejects

Some residents in the Scottish village where the movie Local Hero was filmed want its conservation status to be removed as they say the rules make them feel like they "live in a museum”, especially when they can’t leave for the nearest town without exiting through the gift shop. #BTNNB