Oliver hated it when Gloria's friends came around to fill the air with meaningless prattle. Afternoons filled with incessant blether. Suddenly, one day, and with a diet of sprouts, he discovered the crude yet helpful employment of carefully-timed methane.
#NewAlanBennetts
Norma was a woman given to serene quietude, a mouse-like refusal to engage in verbal confrontation. One mention, however, of the phrase 'it is what it is' and there was no stopping her reaching for the nunchuks.
#NewAlanBennetts
'What's it today?' asked Maureen. 'Tea, coffee or bovril?' He fell silent. 'Bovril.' he said, staring at the telly. Maureen sighed and headed for the kitchen, the dream of her being swept off her feet by a sharp-jawed, muscular daredevil receding with Brian's every moist sniff.
#NewAlanBennetts
Harold couldn't wait to impart useless facts on a world that, to the contrary, could wait a while longer. He was a Trevi fountain of ephemera, his enthusiasm to inform outweighed by the vast number of people who had better things to do.
#NewAlanBennetts
Glenda's morbid interest in the otherwise natural demises of her old friends worried Jim. He didn't want to walk her past any cemeteries in case she had any impulses in bringing the shovels out.
#NewAlanBennetts
Fred had never flown by plane. A truth that became evident to his fellow passengers as his introduction to air travel began with a 'ooooo, fuckin' 'ell!' that could've landed in Spain before he did.
#NewAlanBennetts
The curve of a woman's back and the arc of her breasts once aroused Harold. Now it was the casting off suggestion he found in a current Angler's World. Even the sound of a hoover. He was going to have to talk to his doctor.
#NewAlanBennetts
Gordon loved Emma's beef stew. Every mouthful seemed to send pulsations of joy throughout his body, turning his entire form into a physical ordinance survey map of pleasure. An A to Z of sensory indulgence. Life wasn't perfect, but, for a short while, paradise held on.
#NewAlanBennetts
Stanley adhered to a daily regime of bracing walks, aware that while heart and mind knew such routines were necessary, the bones below the knees sang their own unhappy song, a melody of creaks, cracks and twinges that called for an urgent remedy: pubs.
#NewAlanBennetts
Tim was no fan of Sheila's somewhat rose-tinted journey to the land of yesteryear, resolutely wishing Memory Lane had been pedestrianised and lined with betting shops and 24/7 pubs.
#NewAlanBennetts
Lily Allen's idea of setting her ex's indiscretions to music found precedent in Nancy's old cassette albums noting those of her former husband's, with such ditties as The Man With All-Over Halitosis and the sourly succinct Malodorous Twat.
#NewAlanBennetts
“I was never particularly fond of goodbyes,” muttered Alan, jangling his keys as he tried, not-quite-quietly enough, to pocket the last of the custard creams. “It’s not that I’m sentimental or anything, it’s just that somebody almost always chooses that moment to demand payment.”
#NewAlanBennetts
Mam put on her best frock to say her final au revoir. Her first and last email read, "It was mostly terrible but thank you to everyone who made the bits in between bearable." She slipped away in the night. She's not dead. She's been seen on the streets of Skegness. #NewAlanBennetts
Tomorrow will mark 1 year of #NewAlanBennetts on @bsky.app and the last of my daily early morning nonsense writing. It has been brilliant but as they say, "All Good Things Must Come To An End." Thanks to all you regulars who have liked or shared. 31st October brings something new.
Eric cut the grass for the final time this year. It was traditional for him to have his last haircut of the year too but why bother about a single strand of fluff? #NewAlanBennetts
"It's the flies that are the problem!" shouted Maude examining the rotting autumn fruit.
"Yes, I know," added Joan."If only Eric could get trousers that fitted him around his nether regions."
#NewAlanBennetts
Before selling them, Eric has been farting into Maude's best tea cups. He's called his actions 'Trump/China trade talks'. #NewAlanBennetts
Tony thinks of his mate Rob who created this piece of timely art. Rob has had it stolen by the world. So let's say here here to Rob Dicken, one of the greatest unknown sketch artists of all time.
"The knights are drawing in!"
#NewAlanBennetts
Tony is doing everything in the wrong order. He's decided to avoid the controversy of making tea and eating scones as the milk / cream / jam situation is too much to confront. Instead, he's rewriting the OED from Z-A. #NewAlanBennetts
The knocking at the door for sweets has already started. Harold from No.42 has been threatening to take his teeth out if he can't get a boiled sweet from every house in the close. Ironic really as the sweets of his youth caused the loss of his teeth. #NewAlanBennetts
Shopping became canon of classic albums as the shelves provided disappointment (Nevermind) and 10 packets of Bourbon biscuits (An Appetite For Destruction). A trip into Hobbycraft caused an excessive spend on sundry items. Thoughts of Carole King's Tapestry emerged. #NewAlanBennetts
John has been heard to shout 'RUN!' several times this week. Maureen has now started to imitate his behaviour.
It seems those builders have been touting for business again. #NewAlanBennetts
Sandra smiled as she answered Frank's question, "How do you describe everyone else?" .
"The 'not yet' disabled." Sandra quipped.
Frank added, "When the old are disabled, who cares?"
"There are two answers to that, the young and no-one."
#NewAlanBennetts
"Steak and Kidney or Leek and Potato?" asked Maude.
"No! I said that I wanted to write about SPIES!" cried Alan.
#NewAlanBennetts
Daniel is furious at his new nickname so is seeking revenge. After getting soaked in yesterday's rain, Ron insists on calling him 'Stormy Daniel.' Daniel retorted by renaming him Ron 'Old' Trump. #NewAlanBennetts
Joan's broken up with her beau, Max. His love of sugary drinks was the tipping point. How many times could she ask him if he wanted a cola without a misunderstanding.
"Would you like a Pepsi, Max?" Joan would say.
"No, Maureen, I want the one with sugar in it." Max would shout. #NewAlanBennetts
The absence of an object can be as powerful as its presence Roger decided. A 5:30am search for a non-existent pencil sharpener provoked such a recollection. Flooding back came the image of his father, with his penknife, skillfully whittling a writing implement. That. #NewAlanBennetts
After hearing that the stock market is facing difficult times, Maude says she will now be buying her cows direct from the farmer. #NewAlanBennetts
Stan watched the teenager walk past, noting the torn holes in his jeans. 'Wonder if I could get away with a look like that?' he pondered aloud. The look Stella gave him could've given him three side partings all at once.
#NewAlanBennetts
He picked up the Harolds Robbins book, opening the front cover. 'You'll read any old rubbish, you big nana, love Brenda' said the inscription. And just for that moment, a hoary old thriller meant the world to him, blowing away cobwebs, bringing a warm light.
#NewAlanBennetts
