What do you get if you cross the greatest Scottish comedian with Italian pastry?
Billy Cannoli
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I'm writing an espionage movie about a young Dubliner who is accidentally njected with secret agent DNA and what happens next.
Spy De Man
Coming soon
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Last night I spotted a few people setting up easles in the middle of the road at around 11pm
I thought "That looks sketchy"
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I see they are using Mozart and Bach in launching a brand of vodka
Absolut classic
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My uncle has developed a negative emotional reaction to the music from Sth Korea's most famous boy band.
The past 2 weeks have been very tough for him
He has BTSD
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3 former members of Chumbawumba were spotted by the rooftop pool of a Paris hotel partying from dusk until dawn
They were piscine the night away
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Which Star Wars Character tried to light their e- cigarrette by using The Force?
Daft Vaper
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Harvard has announced it will introduce new special tests for those wishing to specialise in sea mammals.
13 questions will need to be answered, exam porpoises only
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I lost my money investing into an alleged new way of playing badminton
Turned out to be a con and was just a racquet
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My grandfather told me that back in the 60's he took Michael Caine to Whipsnade, Chester and Edinburgh animal parks to promote their latest portable conveniencs.
Caine looked at the large number of toilets and said
Zoo loos, zoo loos everywhere
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I was recently in an amateur production of the Sound Of Music playing the Captain and before each show I would have to listen to the albums 19, 21, 25, 30 on repeat every day
It was my Adel vice
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I overheard 2 people chatting today
1. My best friend from Asia was delighted to see a flightless bird on their South American trip
2. Cor Rhea?
1. No she's from Japan and it was a Galapagos Cormorant
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So, leaving the buddhist monastery the bus driver accidently hit the car used by the most senior and respected monk. That senior monk got out and it became quite heated as he argued with the bus driver
It was a real ram a lama ding dong
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My eccentric uncle claims he once removed his shoes and using only his legs, pushed a jeep 100 metres in 3 minutes.
That's some feet
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Allegedly the BBC has retained a list of Parisian political families who gave support to the fascists in Spain from the 1930's right up until the 1970's
It is their Franco File
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I developed a method of burning a plant to determine the ph value of any substance
I call it a Lit Moss Test
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After my master's degree I went on to study acids and alkalis for my PH D
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James Cameron's next movie is a controversial take on Green Gables where the main character has turned into a miser while suffering an infuriating skin condition
Tight Anne Itch
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Movie News: Al Pacino is about to star as the world's oldest ref who is blackmailed into controversially giving a red card to the American captain in the Women's World Cup Final.
Sent Off A Woman
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My uncle, instead of regular treatment, went to a woman who put him in a trance and through mind manipulation resolved the problem of a lump above his thigh.
A hip no cyst
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My chess loving uncle travels the world attending the biggest tournaments. He always goes with another chess lover from Prague.
His Czech mate
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The local farmer claims his cows are happier after he put up a cinema screen in their shed.
He says every night is moovie night
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My uncle has launched a scheme to bring designer comodes direct to customers within 3 hours of an order
DeliverLoo
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My eccentric uncle provides family loans and insists the final returned amount is contained in a flexible bag filled with gas.
That's the balloon payment
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My eccentric grandfather wanted to prevent all grandmother's from entering his exotic fruit hothouse
Total ban nanas
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In Sweden they've just launched a new device to open front doors. It is self assembly and you have to download software to operate it
I-Key app
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For years my grandfather claimed he worked with one of the biggest African animals to protect them.
Turns out he built containers to ship them off to private owners around the world. 😠
What a Hippo Crate
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The international popstar who yesterday left their talent agency has today revealed they are moving to a converted church in France.
Chapel Rouen
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Channel 4 have launched a new celebrity game show where a retired headmaster quietly, without words, criticises their efforts at various challenges.
Tsk Master coming soon
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My cousin flew to Brazil for a cosmetic procedure and insisted they included the fragrance of an aromatic spice.
She flew home with Cinnamon Buns
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