I got really drunk last night with the Argentina football team.
- Messy ?
Yeah he was brilliant on the caraoke.
#LunchPun

Do you remember when Gerry Marsden took a furry mammal across the famous river in Liverpool for a publicity stunt.
- Ferret cross the Mersey ?
Nah it was his small his pet hamster.

I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of their smell.
I just love foreign axe scents

My dad used to help out in the Police station canteen, he prepared the meat and vegetables.
- I arrest you ?
Yeah and he cooked most of the pies.
#LunchPun

While on holiday in Doha I fancied a hotdog for my lunch, but they only had Qatar pounders.
#LunchPun

Hecklers Anonymous meeting tomorrow night at 8pm. Bring your own boos.

#Lunchpun

I've just been banned from the local wetlands reserve for disturbing the nesting birds.
I've been given a 7 day Curlew.

#lunchpun

Since I've had my new running shoes I keep falling over.
- No balance ?
Nah new Nike air max 90's.
#LunchPun

Visited Billingsgate fish market last week l was very impressed.
- Huge place ?
Massive and lots of shellfish too.
#LunchPun

The fabric covering on the side of my tent fell off while I was playing my Cat Stevens cd.
- Awning has broken ?
Nah it was Lady d’Arbanville.
#LunchPun

That fence erector's job I applied for ...... I've been offered the post.
#LunchPun

I'm working with the pothole team this morning, I'm just filling in.

#LunchPun

I just spent ages making a cushion from a large rock. It's harder than it looks.
#LunchPun

The wife wanted to try some S&M. I said no but she twisted my arm.
#LunchPun

I thought I’d try making some asparagus soup. Anyone got any good tips?
#LunchPun

Anyone got a picture of the temperature from a car dashboard? I've no idea how hot it is just by the fact I'm dripping sweat after walking 5 yards.

My taxi driver this morning had a really spotty and oily face.
- Acne ?
Yeah definitely a black cab.

#LunchPun

My allergy to wearing 70's fashion trousers has flared up again.
#LunchPun

I've got a part time job ironing the corpses in the morgue.
I love looking after the decreased.
#LunchPun

I really struggled at the pub quiz last night with the questions about musical instruments and composers.
I didn't know my harps from my Elgar.
#LunchPun

My baby Leveret got stuck in a hole in my garden.
I'm pulling my hare out now.
#lunchPun

I've just read a great book about processing pulses into an Indian dish.
- Rolled Dahl ?
Nah it was Delia Smith.
#lunchpun

My neighbour just accused me of stealing his ‘strawberries for sale sign’ but I didn’t take any notice.
#LunchPun

My uncle used to steal anything relating to a 60's TV program about two rag and bone men.
He was a bit of a Steptoe maniac.
#LunchPun

I failed my practical exam in pest control not enough swatting.
#LunchPun

I once had a sailing lesson in Cornwall and the skipper of the boat was swearing all of the time.
- Foul mouth ?
Nah it was Penzance actually.
#lunchPun

I really miss my workmates from the sauce factory.
- Ketchup ?
Not yet I'm going to organise a reunion later this year.
#lunchpun

My friend died listening to late '90s Irish pop music.
Police are still investigating the Corrs of death.
#LunchPun

My Dad developed the first soil and fish based compost for a local garden centre.
It was multi-porpoise.
#LunchPun

I tried to get a refund in the bondage shop but they could only offer me a credit note the shop assistant's hands were tied!
#LunchPun