Imagine Jesus dying on a cross to teach us that there are often "friends" out there who low-key aren't and will sell you out for a few bits of silver... 👀 #noseriously #ucantmakethisshitup #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

GARY'S NEW THING:

Gary (12:21pm): Hey!! It's 1 2 2 1!!

Me: 👀...

Gary (12:34pm): Hey!! It's 1 2 3 4!!

Me: 👀 *throws himself into traffic*
#notquitedeadyet #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Thank you so very much for sharing yourself on social media.
#NoSeriously #YouAreADelight

Dear Congress,

Okay, here's the deal: If you want me to pay my taxes, I'm gonna need a functioning government before April 15th.

The ball's in your court.

Sincerely,
INFAMOUS me #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Yesterday's Ides of March was THE MOST DISAPPOINTING one yet!!! Oh, the missed opportunity! 👀 #noseriously #notmypresident #fuckthatputo #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Okay. It was 95°f just a couple hours ago!! WTF is it windy and freezing cold now!?!! What did you people do!!?! Dafuq, y'all!?!!!! 👀🥶 #notquitedeadyet #noseriously #ucantmakethisshitup #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Oh, you think this little kerfuffle in Iran is bad? Just wait 'til Melania get snubbed at the Oscars... 👀 #ridefast #takechances #noseriously #notmypresident #fuckthatputo #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Okay... So, let me get this straight. Trump replaced Ayatollah Khamenei with another Ayatollah Khamenei? Am I getting this right? 👀 #blesshisheart #noseriously #notmypresident #fuckthatputo #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

It needs to be pointed out that every fuqin $ funding Netanyahu's war with Iran is a $ that isn't being spent on programs helping American citizens survive in THIS country. #AmericaFirst my ass. 👀 #noseriously #notmypresident #fuckthatputo #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

I'm in charge of the cake for a gender reveal party. So, I got a chocolate cake with blue and pink frosting.

....and now we wait. 👀 #ucantmakethisshitup #noseriously #ijusmadethisshitup #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

182 days of January and it felt like it would NEVER end. Woke up today and it's 1 month until my birthday. GTFOH!!! Christmas is on the way!!! 👀 #ridefast #takechances #noseriously #notquitedeadyet #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

This is by far the weirdest promotion night. Are they trying to get the coveted "boomer liberal stoner" demographic in the stadium?

Because, I mean, I'm right here.

#Joke #Funny #NotABoomer #NoSeriously

UNPOPULAR OPINION: The middle urinal is the best option. CHOOSE THE MIDDLE URINAL... 👀🍆💦 #ridefast #takechances #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Okay, so we're ILLEGALLY liberating the people of Iran. Fine. Got it.

...but WHEN do I get my tariff money back!?!! And we still haven't forgotten about THE EPSTEIN FILES!!! 👀 #noseriously #notmypresident #fuckthatputo #noseriously #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Aliens are real, and them tariffs are illegal. So, what comes tomorrow? Anybody care to gander a guess?? 👀 #noseriously #asking4afriend #itsme #immyfriend #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

My entire inner dialog today is about the supposed existence of people who don't have an inner dialog. #noseriously WTF!?!! 👀 #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

My opinion on the "Wuthering Heights" movie:

Have you people READ the book? It's a terrible story full of terrible, toxic people that nobody should want to spend 2 hours hanging out with. I wouldn't have finished it if I didn't have to for a class. Stop acting like it's a love story! #NoSeriously

Multimillionaire on TV asking me to donate towards saving homeless dogs and cats is so onbrand here in the USofA. Why don't you, the dude with the $$$, donate for me? Thanks... 👀 #murica🇺🇸 #ucantmakethisshitup #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

I can’t wait for my voice to drop again #noseriously #hrt #trans

Okay, I get it. I watched Bad Bunny at the halftime show and it turns out he's not even a real bunny!! It's no wonder some people were so upset! At least Kid Rock is a kid AND a rock!!
.
#ridefast #takechances #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

The existence of a "Super Bowl" suggests the existence of an "Inferior Bowl", and that's no doubt the one that has Kid Rock's halftime performance... 👀 #ridefast #takechances #SuperBowlLX #ucantmakethisshitup #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Trump: *post video of the Obamas as apes*
The world: ARE YOU FUQIN KIDDING US?
Trump: *takes down video*
The world: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?!!
Trump: *puts video up again*
The world: DAFUQ!?!!!
Trump: *taking it down again* Too soon? 👀 #ucantmakethisshitup #noseriously #letsbeINFAMOUStogether

If there's any way I can save you the suffering, I'd warn you to avoid the movie "Iron Lung" at all cost! Go see "Melania" instead. Seriously. At least you'd have something to poke fun of after the fact... 👀 #notquitedeadyet #noseriously ##myINFAMOUSlife #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

People don't canoodle like they used to and we really need to bring that back... 👀 #ridefast #takechances #noseriously #ucantmakethisshitup #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Some day, in the future, when we look back and ask how this civil war started, remember: it first started with the murder of Renee Good and officially launched by the murder of Alex Pretti. 👀 #ucantmakethisshitup #noseriously #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

How many more months of January do we have left? 👀 #noseriously #fuqthisshit #asking4afriend #notquitedeadyet #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

E'rbody hoping for snow, but knowing it's ice and destruction that's coming for us. Guess I'll see y'all on the other side. Stay warm... 👀 #ridefast #takechances #notquitedeadyet #noseriously #ucantmakethisshitup #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Look. It's only natural that Trump would want to take Greenland. He needs more ICE to fulfill his racist/xenophobic agenda, and Greenland has a LOT of ice! 👀 #ucantmakethisshitup #noseriously #ijusmadethisshitup #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

I'm at the point in my 2000 Ford F250's life where I no longer have a monthly truck payment, but I kinda sorta have a monthly truck payment... 👀 #fixorrepairdaily #notquitedeadyet #justshootme #noseriously #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong

Somebody's grandpa done escaped the home!! One of y'all need to come get him and take him back!! Poor thing is rambling on the telly! He needs his meds! 👀 #noseriously #25thAmendmentNow #MURICA🇺🇸 #myINFAMOUSlife #imINFAMOUS #letsbeINFAMOUStogether #yerdoinitwrong